Who I Am

by Sally Putterman

Some people would be very shocked if they heard me fart.  Tooting is not who I am.  It is not a part of my body’s vernacular.  I’m not the type of person to let one rip in the middle of a party or a family gathering or even among my most intimate relations. 

I save them up.  I store them in the deepest recesses of my bootal cavity until an appropriate time and place presents itself, preferably someplace devoid of populace, someplace isolated.  Usually the toilet.  Then, oh but then, I release my gas with such power and passion that its glory knows no bounds.

New Zombie Blog

Now that the big Zombie craze is pretty much over, I've decided to publish a zombie novel and give it away for free.  Technically, it's more of a parody novel since The Zombie Bocephus isn't your ordinary zombie.  He doesn't dine on brains and unlike "Hollywood zombies" he has a sparkling personality.   Not only is Bo the world's first "real life" zombie, he's also the world's first member of the living dead from the redneck persuasion. (Technically he's white trash, but let's not get into that now.)  Bo aims to solve his own murder, locate a missing girl, act as a go-between two rival mad scientists, and fend off a pack of mutant squirrels.  And that's just in the first 75 pages!

Redneck GPS Navigator

A Sketch by Christamar Varicella

CAST: KENNETH, BARB, BILLY BOB

KENNETH AND BARB GET INTO A CAR DRESSED FOR A FORMAL OCCASION.

BARB

Do you have directions?

KENNETH

(PULLS OUT CELL PHONE)I’ll use GPS.  I just downloaded a new voice app.

Woody Allen Peed on Me

by

Al Butterman 

So I happened to be in the park when Woody Allen and Mia Farrow made their joint statement, and I must say I was surprised by the defiant tone Woody struck.  Using all those loaded words like “petting” and “intercourse.” I mean, how about some sensitivity?  Later I was equally surprised when he sauntered into the grandstands where I was sitting. 

I said to myself, “Wow.  This is my chance to talk to Woody Allen.”  So I yelled out, “Hey Woody!  Why’d you molest your daughter?”  Because, you know, just making conversation.

An Ode to My Underwear

A Poem I Wrote in College

or

An Ode to Claire

by Purvis McGrew

Underwear is fun to wear.

I only own a single pair.

Tis she alone for whom I care.

Her name is Claire.

Three Alternative Theories for Road Kill

by Al Butterman

Sure, logic and intuition tells us that all those squished raccoons and possums and things we see by the side of the road were simple auto accidents, but isn’t it possible that other, funnier, reasons exist for the untimely demise of all those cute little critters?  I for one think so, and here are a few possibilities:

1) Suicide

It’s happened to all of us.  We’re running late for work or church or something, flying down the highway with reckless abandon, when suddenly a cute little squirrel ventures out into the road.  It stops, whiskers twitching as if contemplating our rapid approach. We prepare to brake, screaming, “Look out, little squirrel.  Run! Save yourself!”  Or perhaps a more direct, “Get the f*** out of the road!”  In any event, the cute little guy turns around scampers a few feet toward safety, and then, just as we start to breathe a sigh of relief, he turns around again and launches himself under our front tire.

TDB Classic: A Curious Incident at the Monkey House

It's not often we feature poetry at the Daily Brass, but we still don't have anything else to post, so here's one by Christamar Varicella.

A Curious Incident at the Monkey House

by

Christamar Varicella

Not long ago in a town close to you,

A boy and his mother went to the zoo.

The child he was keen on riling the beasts

by pelting their heads with rock candy treats. 

TDB's Greatest Hits Volume 1: You Think You Know Tough?

Even though it’s the beginning of the new year, we, the editors of the Daily Brass, have already run out of ideas.  Therefore, we’ve decided to spend the next few weeks highlighting a few underappreciated pieces that we believe deserve a second glance.

First up: Al Butterman’s seminal essay on toughness.  We feel it has a lot to teach us about what it means to be a man.  Enjoy.

Frank McCrackin was the toughest S.O.B. I've ever known. He was the only person ever to serve in the Army Rangers, the Navy Seals, and the Marine Corp Show Choir all at the same time. He served two tours of duty in Korea, three tours in Vietnam, and four tours in Disney on Ice. He played Goofy, the toughest S.O.B. in the magic kingdom.        

An Open Letter to the Sprout Network

 Dear Head of Programming,

I apologize for the public forum in which I now write to you, but as I have received only a few cursory replies to my inquiries and résumés, I feel I have no other choice.  As my initial suggestions seem to have fallen on deaf ears, I am taking this opportunity to elucidate a three-pronged strategy to save your network.  I only hope that the public rallies behind my ideas and pressures the corporate power structure to adopt these much-needed changes.

Top Ten Movies of 2013

It’s that time of year again: the time when random people tell you what movies they liked from the previous year.  And while generally these lists only provide you with information about who spends too much time watching movies, I feel as if I can offer a unique perspective unlike any you are likely to find anywhere else.  So here they are, Folks, listed in order of how many hands the movie would cause me to wave in the air if I had enough hands to do so.

10) The Hunger Games: Catching Fire - I thought this was going to be a movie about spontaneous combustion.  I kept expecting people to burst into flames in every scene.  This caused me a great deal of anxiety, or would have if I’d actually seen it.