Saturday, July 19, 2014

An Open Letter to Jonathan Franzen

Dear Jon,

I heard some guy on Twitter made you an emperor.  Good for you.  I’m surprised the New York Times didn’t confer that honor upon you a long time ago. 

I’ve read both of your books and I agree with Oprah--they’re solid.  Maybe if I put you in my book club you could come do my show like you did hers.  Good idea, huh?  I call my show, “Come into my Basement with Chip and the Strange Guy.” I’m thinking about maybe recording it or broadcasting it somehow.

Hey, wasn’t Chip the name of one of your characters in The Corrections?  If I’m not mistaken, he was the one who liked to wear leather and his dad was basically Archie Bunker with dementia. 

Oh! And remember how you totally invented Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo only four years after the guys from South Park?  That cameo really made the book for me.  No wonder you’re considered a creative genius.

I liked Freedom too, although I don’t remember much about it.  Only that it was based in Minnesota and it taught me that cats eat birds.  When did that happen?

So anyway, if you ever get tired of finding new ways to write about your messed-up family, you and I should work on a project together.  I just finished a novella (short novel) that’s getting rave reviews on my message board.  (I hang it over my bed.)  It’s called Dinosaur Ghost

Here’s the tagline: “Dinosaur Ghosts are real and they’re eating republicans.”  Pretty cool, huh?

How about a blurb?

You’re probably busy with all the bird watching and whatnot, so I’ve taken the liberty of typing up a few choice nuggets for you to choose from.

I never knew reading could be such a fulfilling emotional experience until I read Dinosaur Ghost. - Jonathan Franzen

Dinosaur Ghost will knock your socks off!  Then it will eat your republican grandmother! -Jonathan Franzen.

Dinosaur Ghost is way better than any of the other Dinosaur Porn I’ve read. -Jonathan Franzen

In the immortal words of Jimmy “JJ” Walker, Dinosaur Ghost is DINO-MITE  - Jonathan Franzen

I tell you what.  If I haven’t heard from you in 24 hours (Starting now.  Go!) I’ll assume you want me to pick one for you and then sign your name to it.  Deal? (Go!)

Oh, and if you’re serious about that writing partnership, I’ve already got a project in mind that would be perfect for you.  It’s a romance novel called The Oiliest Secret.  It’s guaranteed to be DYNO-MITE!

You can take my other books, but you can’t take my Freedom!  (Feel free to use that in future editions.)

Your Pal,

Christamar Varicella