Friday, October 25, 2013

An Open Letter to PETA

Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,

I’ve been thinking about killing my fish.  I feel compelled to justify myself, although I know you won’t approve no matter what my reasons are, and in truth, my reasons aren’t very good.  I’m just tired of taking care of it.  Every.. single.. day I have to drop a few paper specks of whatever the hell fish food is into a stinking tank filled with green algae and floating fecal matter.  I suppose I could try and get rid of the stinking green algae and floating fecal matter, but why?  Why should I have to clean the tank every... single... month or two?  Just so the tank won’t stink and be gross?  That’s not a reason, that’s like a Catch 22 or something. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

An Open Letter to Marvel Comics

Dear President of Marvel Comics (Whoever you are), 

I’m going to be honest with you.  I’ve never read any of your work.  Comic books have always been a little too high-brow for my taste.  I’m excluding Archie and Jughead of course, and I’ve always loved that Casper.  What a friendly ghost he is!  (Incidentally, I have a first edition Casper that is worth nearly 75 cents, which is weird because I paid more than that when it was new.) The fact remains, I’m just not interested in your characters, stories, or artwork.  That said, I have a great idea for you that I know you’re going to love.

Please welcome a new superhero to your stable of characters: His name is Weather Man and he is the best super hero ever!