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Blood Bites
The Supreme Bean
By Sally Putterman
Gonzo Publishing, 445
pages
Reviewed by Christamar
Varicella
While perusing Sally Putterman’s
exhausting countdown to the world’s most perfect bean, I was reminded of all
those random lists generated by the entertainment industry. You know the ones I’m talking
about: Hollywood
Sally Putterman, a former blogger for the Daily Brass, has taken her post from
December 19, 2005, “The Daily Brass Ranks the Beans” and expanded it into a
massive tome. The Supreme Bean is also her long awaited follow-up to her 600-page history of tree bark.
Starting with number two thousand
four hundred and thirty three, the Calcuttan Navel Bean, and slowly working her
way to number one, which I will come to shortly—Spoiler alert: If you don’t want to know what it is you should probably
read this article with your eyes closed—Ms Putterman has put in an awesome
amount of time and effort in on a subject I’m pretty sure no one cares
about. By the time I reached bean number
two hundred and forty three (The Chilean Pepper Bean) I could no longer
tolerate the boredom. I had to skip to
the end. The shock and disbelief I
received when viewing her choice of best bean was so great that I almost choked
on a jelly bean (#52). But I digress.
Ms. Putterman is sure to raise the
rancor of bean lovers everywhere when she rates the Navy Bean (37) over the
Great Northern Bean (113), and no doubt she will bring forth a storm of
controversy among bean purists by including the Black-Eyed Pea (227) on her
list, but these are but the tip of the iceberg when cataloguing her list of
outrages. For instance, The String Bean
(#11) is rated lower than the Green Bean (#3).
They’re the same bean! She ranks the Legume at forty eight, completely ignoring the fact that a
legume isn’t a type of bean! It’s the family of
vegetables from which beans come!
These
are just a few examples of what makes this book so frustrating. Here is another:
While each entry is accompanied by
a short paragraph in which she summarizes the pros and cons of any given bean,
there is no standard system of measurement.
All the rankings and accompanying descriptions seem to have been pulled
straight out of Ms. Putterman’s fanny.
To truly understand my agony, look no further than the following entry:
#459 The Pinto Bean
This bean might have
received greater ranking had it not reminded me
of the car I drove in
college. That Pinto was always breaking
down on
the interstate. I must therefore assume that The Pinto Bean
is equally
unreliable.
Do you see what I mean?
Sometimes when reading this book I
got the feeling Ms. Putterman was just making stuff up. I am fairly sure there is no such thing as
The Charlie Sheen Bean (#717), or the Mr. Green Jeans Bean (#1323). And what about entry number two thousand two
hundred and twelve: The Lean Mean Fighting Ma-Bean? Those aren’t real beans! I can’t tell you how many times I closed this
book in disgust, only to pick it up again just to see what crime against the
English language (and against beans) she would commit next. And yes, I even kept reading after I skipped
to the last page to discover that, to my horror, The Supreme Bean was none
other that The Mexican Jumping Bean, or as Ms. Putterman so eloquently put it:
# 1 The Supreme Bean is…
The Mexican Jumping Bean
It’s a bean that can jump!
Let’s see you top that, other beans!
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