I haven't read much of your work, but I hear you're a pretty fine writer. I finally got around to reading Portnoy’s Complaint (It only took me forty five years), and I'm not so sure. To your credit, you wrote some seriously beautiful sentences about splooge, but other than you jerking off, not much happened. What was the point of that book? To show people how much you like to jerk off? They say to write what you know, so I guess you don't get out much.