It’s that time of year again: the time when random people tell you what movies they liked from the previous year. And while generally these lists only provide you with information about who spends too much time watching movies, I feel as if I can offer a unique perspective unlike any you are likely to find anywhere else. So here they are, Folks, listed in order of how many hands the movie would cause me to wave in the air if I had enough hands to do so.
10) The Hunger Games: Catching Fire - I thought this was going to be a movie about spontaneous combustion. I kept expecting people to burst into flames in every scene. This caused me a great deal of anxiety, or would have if I’d actually seen it.
9) Gravity - I must admit, prior to watching this film, I didn’t believe in gravity. Instead I subscribed to the theory that we remain earthbound thanks to angels putting invisible rocks in our pockets. (I know I know, what if we’re naked? Simple. They tape the rocks behind our scrotums. Angels always find a way.) Since I still haven’t gotten around to seeing this film, this remains my firm belief.
8) 12 Years a Slave - Unlike many of my fellow southerners, I have always been staunchly opposed to slavery and openly celebrate the fact that we lost the Civil War. Therefore, I feel entitled to skip this one. From what I can tell, it’s very disturbing and I find disturbing movies very disturbing.
7) The Wolf of Wall Street - Since pretty much everyone on Wall Street considers them self a “wolf,” I think a better title for Scorcese’s latest might be “The Biggest Asshole on Wall Street.” Marty, please, consider a change when you release the film for DVD/Streaming. I imagine some people will dismiss this film as a remake of Oliver Stone’s “Wall Street,” but don’t forget Oliver already made a remake of that movie, which was itself a remake of The Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns lost all his money and then tricked Lisa into helping him get it back. That alone makes me want to see this one. That and the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio is finally starting to look like an adult. Way to go, Leo! I knew you could do it!
6) Inside Llewellyn Davis - This movie sounds like gay porn to me. Wait, is Llewellyn a boy name or a girl name? It definitely sounds like some kind of porn. Therefore, I have put this movie on my “to watch” list.
5) Nebraska - I find myself confusing this movie with the music group Kansas. What I liked even more than the brutal father/son dynamic and its implicit commentary on the traditional nuclear family was when they played their third encore of “Carry on my Wayward Son.” I love that song.
As many of my loyal readers know (I’m looking at you Phantomstats.com) and my new readers may have guessed, I don’t get out of the house much and I haven’t actually seen any of the films mentioned thus far. Part of this is due to the fact that I have young children, which also explains the two movies I did see thus far.
4) Monster’s University - Why did they have to go to a four year university just to learn how to scare children? At most, this strikes me as a community college curriculum. Let’s see, you’ve got your Scare History, Scare Theory, Psychology of Scaring, and three semesters of practicum. That’s only two years. Tops. Full disclosure, I missed most of the movie because I was busy thinking about their class schedule.
3) Despicable Me II - This seemed to be a case of taking the one thing people liked most about the first movie, the Minions, and then adding a bunch of other crap, including an arch villain based on various racial stereotypes. I missed Vector.
And the number one movie of 2013 is*
1) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure - Technically, this movie came out in 1989, but I find it’s still relevant. Combine that with the fact that I didn’t like the other two movies I saw in 2013 and we have a winner. Congratulations, Bill and Ted!
* Number two was vacated due to the fact that I could only think of nine entries.
Christamar Varicella is Senior Movie Review Person for the Daily Brass.
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