Sunday, December 22, 2013

An Open Letter to the Sprout Network

 Dear Head of Programming,

I apologize for the public forum in which I now write to you, but as I have received only a few cursory replies to my inquiries and résumés, I feel I have no other choice.  As my initial suggestions seem to have fallen on deaf ears, I am taking this opportunity to elucidate a three-pronged strategy to save your network.  I only hope that the public rallies behind my ideas and pressures the corporate power structure to adopt these much-needed changes.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Top Ten Movies of 2013

It’s that time of year again: the time when random people tell you what movies they liked from the previous year.  And while generally these lists only provide you with information about who spends too much time watching movies, I feel as if I can offer a unique perspective unlike any you are likely to find anywhere else.  So here they are, Folks, listed in order of how many hands the movie would cause me to wave in the air if I had enough hands to do so.

10) The Hunger Games: Catching Fire - I thought this was going to be a movie about spontaneous combustion.  I kept expecting people to burst into flames in every scene.  This caused me a great deal of anxiety, or would have if I’d actually seen it.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Two Dreams

This morning I came across an old journal entry from December 26th, 2010 in which I shared with myself two dreams from the night before.  Having reread the entries I now realize how imperative it is that I share these dreams (one is more of a vision) with the world.

1) I dreamed that President Obama appointed Andy Griffith Attorney General. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

We Have a Comic Strip

The Daily Brass is proud to welcome Purvis McGrew's seminal comic strip: "The Coop Clucks Clan" to its pages.  As most of you know, the influence of Mr. McGrew's portrait of race relations within the processed chicken industry is inestimable.  We offer him our humble thanks for gracing our little blog with his esteemed words and pictures.  Open the page to read the first in a series.

The Editors 

Monday, November 25, 2013

Review: All About Roachie

All About Roachie
by Darwin Blattam
Esteemed Publishing, 476 pages
Reviewed by Christamar Varicella

It is not clear to what genre belongs the novel, All About Roachie.  If anything it seems to fit with the series of animated insect movies that debuted in the late 1990s and early 2000s.  Movies like Antz, A Bug’s Life, A Bee Movie, A Termite’s Tail, A Fly’s Fable, The Beetles’ Hard Days Night, Death to Tse Tse, and so forth.  And yet, somehow, Pixar and other production companies failed to delve into the world of cockroaches.  Herein lies the establishing premise of All About Roachie.  The protagonist, Darwin, is extremely bitter that his species has been left out of the spotlight.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

An Open Letter to John Cougar Mellencamp

Dear John Cougar,

In this day and age, as politicians, pundits, and other politically minded animals cast aspersions on various political, and ethnic groups, blaming anyone and everyone for the decline of our once proud nation (America) I have, after much research, come to the conclusion that you are truly to blame. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

An Open Letter to PETA

Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,

I’ve been thinking about killing my fish.  I feel compelled to justify myself, although I know you won’t approve no matter what my reasons are, and in truth, my reasons aren’t very good.  I’m just tired of taking care of it.  Every.. single.. day I have to drop a few paper specks of whatever the hell fish food is into a stinking tank filled with green algae and floating fecal matter.  I suppose I could try and get rid of the stinking green algae and floating fecal matter, but why?  Why should I have to clean the tank every... single... month or two?  Just so the tank won’t stink and be gross?  That’s not a reason, that’s like a Catch 22 or something. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

An Open Letter to Marvel Comics

Dear President of Marvel Comics (Whoever you are), 

I’m going to be honest with you.  I’ve never read any of your work.  Comic books have always been a little too high-brow for my taste.  I’m excluding Archie and Jughead of course, and I’ve always loved that Casper.  What a friendly ghost he is!  (Incidentally, I have a first edition Casper that is worth nearly 75 cents, which is weird because I paid more than that when it was new.) The fact remains, I’m just not interested in your characters, stories, or artwork.  That said, I have a great idea for you that I know you’re going to love.

Please welcome a new superhero to your stable of characters: His name is Weather Man and he is the best super hero ever! 

Saturday, September 28, 2013

An Open Letter to the MacArthur Genius Foundation

Dear General MacArthur,

Let this letter serve as my application for some of that genius money you guys like to hand out. My accomplishments include pioneering research in the area of what happens to boogers when you flick them across the room or scrape them on the underside of chairs, and the subsequent creation of the Worldwide Booger Depository System.  Thanks to me, anyone can request, for a nominal charge, a BDR (Booger Depository Receptacle) that can be placed under tables and chairs and end the scourge of suddenly discovering that you just put your hand in yours or someone else’s boogers.  Just log in to to order yours today.