An Open Letter to Stephanie Meyer

Dear Stephanie,

Have I got an idea for you!  But before I get to that, let me just tell you how much your books have inspired me.  Before I read Twilight, I was planning to like totally have sex and everything, but the book changed my life.  I now plan to wait until I meet the perfect 104-year-old high school student .  If Bella can do it, so can I.

Unfortunately, like Bella, I’m a little worried he won’t love me.  How could he love me?  I’m just some nobody and Jedward (that’s what my  guy’s name is when I imagine him) will be so much more sophisticated, so much more mature, on account of his old age, whereas I’m just a dumb kid.  Do you think I should try to hook up with some of the geezers at the old folks home to, you know, get a little more experience?  Maybe I could pick up some info on subjects Jedward is  likely to be interested in, like puzzles and denture cream.  Here are the things I like: makeup, boys, vampires, clothes, and vampire boys.  Do you think Jedward will be interested in these things too?

Here’s something I hope we’ll have in common: hating high school.  I totally  hate high school.  And I bet after like 96 consecutive years in high school, Jedward will be pretty sick of it too, so we’ll have that going for us.  I don’t see how Jedward and Edward do it.  I think I would just take my degree and be done.  Jedward and Edward must really be lazy not to want to join the work force.  Even still, I don’t understand why they don’t just go to college.  They could pass for college students, couldn’t they?  I know in the movie version, Edward looked like he was about 38.  My dad said he could have passed for Edward Scissorhands.  Do you know who that is?  But even if, like in the book, Edward looked young, he still could have gone to college.  I read about this kid in my history class who went to college when he was only 13.  His name was Doogie Howser. Do you know who that is?  These will be some of the other things Jedward and I will talk about once we meet and fall in love.  Hey, maybe I am good enough.

Now, about that idea.  I think you should  totally write another book about Edward and Bella.  In this one, you should write about what happens when they finally get a divorce because let’s be honest--Edward is 104 and he likes 17-year-old girls.  We can hope all we want, but if he’s 104 and still into 17-year-olds, he ain’t gonna change.  After a few years, the fire is bound to go out of their marriage.  It’s inevitable.  That’s why I knew you’d want to write this book--because there won’t be any sex in it.  It’s right up your alley!  And how’s this for a title:  Another One Bites the Dust.  It’s perfect and totally original.  I just thought of it.  You can have the whole idea free of charge.  All that I ask is a $750,000 advance and, for the movie, points off the back end.  I’ve already taken the liberty of sending Little Brown a proposal in your agent’s name.  I hope I didn’t step across the line there, but I knew you’d be just as excited as I am.  And I wanted to get started.  So, how  does it feel to be my writing partner?  I know, it’s super exciting.  Everyone at my fan-fiction site was super excited also when I told them about it. 

Well, I better get back to work.  Try to get that check to me as soon as possible.

Your Pal,

Faithfully,

Purvis “Bella II” McGrew

More Open Letters: An Open Letter to Jack Kerouac, An Open Letter to Tom Wolfe, An Open Letter to Dave Eggers, An Open Letter to JK Rowling, An Open Letter to Cormac McCarthy, A Recent Interview with Jack Kerouac, An Open Letter to Gabriel Garcia Marquez