Even though it’s the beginning of the new year, we, the editors of
the Daily Brass, have already run out of ideas.
Therefore, we’ve decided to spend the next few weeks highlighting a few underappreciated
pieces that we believe deserve a second glance.
First up: Al Butterman’s seminal essay on toughness. We feel it has a lot to teach us about what
it means to be a man. Enjoy.
Frank McCrackin was the
toughest S.O.B. I've ever known. He was the only person ever to serve in the
Army Rangers, the Navy Seals, and the Marine Corp Show Choir all at the same
time. He served two tours of duty in Korea, three tours in Vietnam, and four
tours in Disney on Ice. He played Goofy, the toughest S.O.B. in the magic
kingdom.
Whenever there was a
tough job to do in any of the organizations in which he served, the standard
order was to, “Get McCrackin.” That’s why, to this day, if you ever have a lot
of work to do—like a bunch of homework or something—your mom will say “Well,
you better get McCrackin.”
Yeah, he was tough all
right. I once saw him chew the bumper off of a Mack truck. And it was still moving. He had scars running horizontally across his
forehead, nose, and chin, and two scars ran vertically down his face and across
his eyes. He also had little X’s and O’s everywhere from where he
let us play tic-tac-toe on his face with an Exacto knife. He was
that tough. He was also pretty funny looking on account of the tic tac
toe scars.
But, you know, I learned
a lot from that grizzled old Joe, including the twenty seven ways to kill a
man. Here they are in list form:
The Twenty Seven Ways to
Kill a Man:
1) Shoot him with a gun.
2) Stab him with
something sharp.
3) Poison him.
4) Drop a bomb or
missile on him.
5) Shoot him with a
tank.
6) Run over him with a
tank.
7) Run over him with a
jeep.
8) Run over him with a
boat.
9) Run over him with a
bicycle. (You have to build up a lot of speed for this one to work.)
10) Land your helicopter
on him.
11) Cover him in honey
and feed him to a bear.
12) Cover him in honey
and feed him to a honey possum.
13) Cover him in honey
and feed him to some other kind of animal that likes honey.
14) Autoerotic
asphyxiation.
15) Dare him to surf
down the side of a tall building
16) Dare him to surf
down an avalanche.
17) Dare him to surf
into a shark’s mouth. …
It seems like there may
have been a few other deadly places to dare a man to surf, but that's all I can
think of right now. I’ll try and remember to ask old Frank about the rest of
the list if I ever see him again. Something tells me I will. We both like to
hang out at the same skating rink.
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