CAST: KENNETH, BARB, BILLY BOB
KENNETH AND BARB GET INTO A CAR DRESSED FOR A FORMAL OCCASION.
BARB
Do you have directions?
KENNETH
(PULLS OUT CELL PHONE)I’ll use GPS. I just downloaded a new voice app.
BARB
(WITH A TRACE OF CONCERN) You’re not still using the
one with the Australian accent?
KENNETH
This one’s even better. Check it out.
BILLY BOB (GPS)
Hey, I’m Billy Bob.
Where ya’ll wanna go?
BARB
Are you kidding me?
Someone made a navigator app with a redneck accent?
KENNETH
(Stifling laughter)I’ll punch in the address of the
church. (TYPES IN NUMBERS)
BILLY BOB
Lemme thank for a minute... Okay, so what you wanna do is keep on headin’
down yonder a ways.
KENNETH
(AMUSED) Yonder a ways. Got it.
BILLY BOB
You know that place down HWY 38? It used to be a Safeway. Before that I think it was a Piggly
Wiggly. It’s near that stand where the
old dude sells duck decoys.
BARB
You know, I don’t think we know where that is.
BILLY BOB
You’re gonna go through 12, maybe 13 red lights until
you see a burned-out tractor trailer. Go
through another couple of lights and then hang your next left.
BARB
For GPS, it’s not very precise.
BILLY BOB
Hey Man, quick take a right. This one here.
KENNETH TURNS SUDDENLY.
BARB
What? This is a
Gas N Go.
BILLY BOB
We need some beer.
Go pick us up a case of Bud.
KENNETH
A beer would be good right about now.
BARB
(GETTING EXASPERATED) No. You are not going to drink before your
sister’s wedding.
KENNETH SHRUGS AND CONTINUES DRIVING
BILLY BOB
Say, you guys ever been to a cockfight?
BARB
Are you kidding me? We do not want to go to a
cockfight.
BILLY BOB
It’s basically just a couple of chickens trying to rip
each other a new
butthole.
BARB
I know what a
cockfight is. Wait, why am I talking to
this thing?
BILLY BOB
Sometimes, they tie razors to their feet. It can get pretty bloody.
BARB
Honey, why is the GPS telling us about cockfighting?
KENNETH
I don’t know. It’s
kind of educational.
BILLY BOB
Keep on going... Hey, you see that thing up their a
ways?
KENNETH
What? What
thing?
BILLY BOB
It used to be a billboard for denture cream. Now their
some Jew law firm, or some crap.
BARB
Oh, it’s a racist.
Our GPS is a racist.
BILLY BOB
You wanna take a left at that sign.
KENNETH
(TURNING LEFT)
Is this the way? I didn’t see any
tractor trailer.
BILLY BOB
Keep on driving
a couple miles. I know this little bordello
where a Chiquita banana will let you snort blow out of her belly button. Ya’ll up for some fun?
KENNETH
(HOPEFUL)
Honey?
BARB
No!
KENNETH TURNS CAR AROUND
BILLY BOB
Technically it’s more of a truck stop than a
bordello. Hey, wait a minute! Why are
your turning around? Are you some kind
of a sissy or somethin’?
KENNETH
Hey Man, that’s not cool.
BILLY BOB
I see how it is.
Nobody ever wants to go where Billy Bob wants to go. You know, if you aren’t interested in the
ladies, they got another stall where you can play footsie with a dude for ten
bucks an hour. I could stay in the car
and keep your friend company.
KENNETH
That’s my wife!
BILLY BOB
(TO BARB) Say, Baby.
You’re kind of cute. What are you
hangin’ out with this gay guy for?
BARB
You know he used to be very romantic.
KENNETH
Honey!
BILLY BOB
You and I should go out some time. I could show you a good time.
BARB
(FLIRTY) Oh yeah? What would you do?
KENNETH
Are you seriously encouraging this thing?
BILLY BOB
Hey, Bud. This is it.
This is your place. Turn right
here.
(KENNETH TURNS)
KENNETH
Wait, this doesn't look right.
BILLY BOB
When you get to the door, ask for Elroy. The password is Red Bull. In the third bout, put a hundred on the
Chickenator for me. I’ll pay you back
later.
KENNETH
You know what?
You know what? Fine. (HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR)
BARB
(BARB REACHES FOR PHONE, MAKES ADJUSTMENT)
BILLY BOB
G’d day, Mate.
‘ow’s my little wallaby?
BARB
Alone at last.
SCENE
