Saturday, January 11, 2014

TDB Classic: A Curious Incident at the Monkey House

It's not often we feature poetry at the Daily Brass, but we still don't have anything else to post, so here's one by Christamar Varicella.

A Curious Incident at the Monkey House


Christamar Varicella

Not long ago in a town close to you,
A boy and his mother went to the zoo.
The child he was keen on riling the beasts
by pelting their heads with rock candy treats. 

But the animals ignored his missiles and tauntings.
They left the poor boy feeling empty and wanting.
The zebras were boring, the tigers were yawning.
The birds in their cages sang none of their songings.

The hippos were lazy, the elephants stunk,
and nobody wanted to go near the skunks,
but then they arrived at the cage with the monkeys,
and that’s when they saw something shockingly funky.

“What are they doing?” asked the little boy, Chip
as he slipped another candy under his lip.
He looked at his mother with an expression perplexed.
“My dear, they are engaging in monkey sex.”

Mrs. Gargleson wasn’t the type to mince words.
She was happy to explain about the bees and the birds.
Sex was quite natural from her perspective,
though she’d prefer if the monkeys would wear contraceptives.

Perhaps little Chip would grow up to be smart,
and he’d use all his brains and he’d use all his heart
to find a solution to the delicate conundrum
of teaching a primate to put on a condom.

Chipper could work out a specialized diagram,
a practical plan for a lady-ape diaphragm,
but then again monkeys are monkeys, it’s true.
And it’s not like they have something better to do.

You may still believe that they shouldn’t have sex,
but it’s better than smoking cigarettes.
And anything is better than flinging their poo.
That’s the last thing you need when you go to the zoo.