An Open Letter to J.K. Rowling

Dear Ms. Rowling,

First of all, let me say how much I loved your books, and not just the Harry Potter books, but also the new one--I forget what it’s called, but whatever it is, I loved it!  You are the greatest writer who ever lived, and I’m not just saying that because I have a favor to ask you; I really mean it.

Now, about that favor.  Would you pllleeeeeeaaaaassssssee write one more Harry Potter book?  Please.  Just one more. Pllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I’m begging you.  Write one more.  Do it!

I know you probably think you’ve gone as far as you can with this character, but trust me, you haven’t.  A lot of your fans would love to know more about  Harry’s life after he leaves Hogwarts.  How will he handle the pressures of marriage, of fatherhood, or how about a mid-life crisis?  Will he buy a new turbo-charged broomstick?  Will he insist on trying to prove himself at Quidditch despite a bad back and aching knees?  What about Ginny Weasly?  Is she supposed to stick by this guy while he makes a fool out of himself chasing after muggles half his age?

These are the things that I worry about.

Have you ever thought about what Harry will be like as an old man?  I have.  But due to copyright laws, I am forbidden from writing a book about it.  That’s where you come in.  I’ll start spitballing titles, and you should feel free to use any that inspire you.  Seriously, I won’t even ask for a (large) royalty. Here they are: Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Arthritis, Harry Potter and the Order of Viagra, Harry Potter and the Assisted Living Facility, Harry Potter and the Deathly Fear of Minorities.  I could go on and on!

You’ve got to do this!  I simply can’t give up on this character and his world and move on with my life until I know how he moves on with his.  I’ve already read all of  the books (six times!) and I’ve seen the movies.  Well, I tried to see the movies, but I think the cameraman may have left on the lens cap or something.  I couldn’t tell what was going on.  I wrote several livid emails to the producers at Warner Brothers, but so far I have not received a reply.  If you could speak to them about re-releasing all the films with proper lighting, I would appreciate it.  As it happened, I kept screaming out, “Oh no!  Voldermort’s got Harry!” every five minutes, and the other people in the theater did not take kindly to my outbursts. 

You may not know this, Ms. Rowling, but some of your fans can be pretty intense, some might say obsessive, or even delusional!  Personally, I think they should get a life.  Am I right?  Anyway, please let me know when the next Harry Potter book comes out. Until then, I’ll be checking my inbox on a regular basis. 

Your Pal,

Alfred “Golden Snitch” Butterman   

More Open Letters:  

 An Open Letter to Cormac McCarthy, An Open Letter to Stephanie Meyer

50 Shades of Sex, a Parody

The Zombie Bocephus