Sunday, May 27, 2012

In Charlotte, Cars Drive Fast in Circles

The Coca Cola 600 was under way this week with many automobiles--this reporter counted at least seven of them--driving at high speeds along a circular track. 

For some reason a crowd of spectators gathered to watch the cars traveling in circles.  This reporter counted 117 people in the crowd, although it was difficult to keep count as many of the people were moving.  Official estimates put the number of attendees at closer to one hundred thousand.  Again, only 117 could be confirmed.

The cars were driven by people.  After the people drove in circles, they continued to  drive around in more circles.  Track officials listed the number of circles or "laps" driven as 200, although this reporter lost track after three.  He then wandered off to find out what Skoal Bandit is.

Skoal Bandit, it turns out, is loose grains of tobacco wrapped up in a pouch, which is then placed between the lip and gum.  People then suck the pouch and spit out the juice.  People are not supposed to swallow the juice, as this reporter found out the hard way.  It made him very sick and caused him to miss the end of the race.  If you know who won the Coca Cola 600, please give him a call.  

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Pope Takes Leak, Seriously

A series of damaging leaks has swirled around Vatican City in recent weeks, much to the consternation of Pope Benedict XVI.

"The older the Pope gets, the harder it is for him to take leaks," a Vatican spokesman said today. "It really gets to him. He wants to hold it in, but one way or another it gets out, and then it's all over the place." He shook his head and sighed. "It's a real mess."

Last month a special committee was established to investigate the leaks, and today the Pope's private butler was detained in "The Holy Sea" for failure to ensure his primary function. The man is said to be one of a handful of people with access to his Holiness.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Obama Waves Magic Wand: Liberal Dreams Come True

In a move that stunned Washington insiders, today  President Obama granted the wishes of the most disaffected members of his base.  With one wave of his newly acquired magic wand, the president boosted domestic spending, raised taxes on the richest one percent, and closed the base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  

“It’s about time,” said Juliette Harrington, a professional latte sipper from Portland, Oregon.  “He made some big promises at the convention in 2008.  I remember distinctly, he rode in on a winged horse and then slid down a rainbow to the stage.  That’s when he said everything would change the moment he took office.”

Prior to his acquisition of the wand, the president faced fierce congressional opposition to every proposed initiative, but today all resistance magically vanished.

“I wonder why he waited so long,” said Doug Ellington, who makes his living conducting gay wedding ceremonies and performing unwanted abortions.  He added, “I’m still mad at him for not instituting the single payer health care system  that he never endorsed and wouldn’t have been elected if he had.”   

Ironically, the dreams of conservatives also came true  when the president waved his wand.  That’s when an army of bureaucrats appeared from nowhere and took away their guns.  “See,” shouted Peter Dinklebaum of Huntsville, Alabama.  “It’s like we’ve been saying all along, only this time it’s true!”

When pressed for comment, a spokesman for the White House said, “The President would have acted sooner, but it took a long time for the wand to be delivered from Liberal Heaven.”

At the time of this reporting, it was unclear if or how the wand waving would affect  the president’s reelection bid.

GOP Changes Stance, Life Begins at Birth Certificate

In a staggering reversal of a long-held belief, today the Grand Old Party ruled that life begins not at conception, but upon the release of the long form birth certificate. And even then, not really. Moved by republican hatred of the president, the ruling came after long deliberations high atop Mount Rushmore, inside the hollowed-out head of Teddy Roosevelt, where leaders and strategists meet to issue talking points. The decision came after an election official in Arizona suggested that Barack Obama may not be placed on the ballot in November unless evidence emerged that included a video of the future president emerging from his mother's womb wearing a sash emblazoned with the phrase, Made in the USA. According to sources familiar with the proceedings, republicans then decided to "go all in." The move caused an existential crisis within the party. Many leaders worried it would cause a backlash from the pro life majority, however the crisis quickly passed when it was decided that birth certificates would now be released at conception.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Horse Wins Race

The 137th Preakness Stakes was run today, and for the 137th consecutive time the race was won by a small man riding a horse. I'll Have Another kept alive its hopes for a triple crown, or rather, kept alive the triple crown hopes of the people around it, while the horse itself continues to hope for oats.

As is customary in these kinds of races, small men on horses rode around in circles while people watched. This reporter missed the actual race, his first, when he went off to find out what a Mint Julep is. It turns out it's some kind of alcoholic beverage mixed with mint leaves and sugar. It's disgusting. When he came back from the bar, the race was over.

Following I'll Have Another in second place was No Thanks, I'm Good. Can't Find the Bar came in third. Other funny horse names include Happy Pappy, Kiss Me Clown, and P.S. You Smell Bad. None of these horses raced Saturday.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Mitt Romney Revealed to be Bully from The Karate Kid

Today he is known as the lovable robot programmed to take every conceivable policy position, but forty seven years ago, the Washington Post revealed today, Mitt Romney was also a bit of a douche. In his prep school days, the presumptive GOP nominee once led a mob of teenage boys against a homosexual classmate. Was he merely swept up in the prevalent culture of the time? A Daily Brass investigation suggests otherwise. In an interview today, a former classmate who asked to remain anonymous--he will be referred to here as R. Macchio--recounted a series of disturbing encounters with the former Massachusetts governor. "It was like he made it his mission in life to persecute me," Ralph M. said as his eyes welled with tears. "He and his friends from the dojo used to beat me up and Mitt tried to steal my girlfriend. Luckily an old man from Okinawa taught me a special "crane kick" that allowed me to win the big tournament." When reached for comment, Governor Romney said he could not recall those specific events but said that technically Mr. Macchio was the one who stole his girlfriend. He then apologized if he caused anyone physical or emotional harm. He also pointed out that after his defeat he shook Mr. Macchio's hand at the end of the movie just before the credits rolled.

Mensa Accepts Four-Year-Old

Today, Mensa, the exclusive club devoted to people with high IQs, accepted a four-year -old girl, prompting the question: If Mensa is so smart, why does it want to hang out with four-year-olds? To be sure, Tabitha Brady of Hampshire possesses an exquisite mind, as she demonstrated during a recent poetry reading in which she shared her [i]Ode to Barbie Princess[/i] and by her published dissertation, [i]Barney the Dinosaur: A Meditation on Good and Evil[/i], but some people outside the organization have insisted that such topics aren't practical or even interesting. "I mean, I think it's great that this kid has read all the Harry Potter books and everything," Said Damian Headley, a college student from Toledo, Ohio, "but I don't want hear about it all the time." He added, "It's gotten to the point where being smart isn't even cool anymore. Mensa is just so blaze, you know? It's like supposed to be for smart people, but it's like dumb. Know what I mean?" This reporter did not know what Mr. Headley meant, so he went to Hampshire, where Tabitha Brady explained it to him.

Facebook Buys Everything

The entire universe--all that is or ever shall be--is now the legal property of Mark Zuckerberg, a spokesman for Facebook announced today. In exchange for the previously unheard of sum of ten gajillion dollars, everything, including you, has been absorbed by the corporate entity. "This sucks," said college student Bert Stillman of the University of Toledo, Ohio. "I don't even like Facebook. It's for freakin' old people." Facebook's publicity department countered that the new master/slave relationship would actually benefit the people of earth and other inhabited planets. "Facebook brings people together. How else could we share the mundane details of our lives with friends and family we never bother to see, or attempt to sell things to our past acquaintances?" The Daily Brass and every other media outlet have lauded the purchase. Thank you, Facebook, for giving us a reason to exist.

Lottery Winner Vows to Squander Windfall

The anonymous Kansan who recently stepped forward to collect a check for $218 million acknowledged today that all of the money would be gone within a year. "I've got big plans for that money. I'm gonna rent me some diamond furniture, invest in the business schemes of my relatives, and customize a giant monster truck made from smaller monster trucks." When asked if he planned on saving any of his winnings, the man, who has officially changed his name to Joe Richbitch, dismissed the suggestion. "Oh, I've got an even better idea. I'm gonna take half the money and use it to buy more lottery tickets. I'll be a ka-billionaire in no time." When told there was no such thing as a ka-billionaire, Mr. Richbitch appeared not to understand. This reporter then proceeded to sell him his imitation Timex watch for ten thousand dollars.

Titanic Memorial Cruise Hits Iceberg

It was meant to commemorate the voyage of the famous ship that went down in the North Atlantic one hundred years ago. It did, and in doing so, it met the same fate. Every detail was recreated exactly, from the route taken, to the numbers of passengers on board, to the limited number of life boats. "Come to think of it, limiting the number of life boats wasn't such a hot idea," Captain Jordan Stewart admitted as the Steering Room filled with ocean water. "This is one of those cases when maintaining historical accuracy really bit us in the ass." He added, "Another bad idea was hitting the ice berg. Oh well, live and learn." As the ship began to break apart, some of the passengers remained excited about being a part of history. "This is so cool," said Ellen Beardsley of Toledo Ohio. "It's just like that movie, only I never got to meet Leonardo DiCaprio and I'm totally about to die." Another passenger, Justin Briglio, was in a more reflective mood. "If I had it to do over again, I'd probably take the ten thousand bucks I paid for my ticket and, you know, do something else with it." He was then crushed by a falling smokestack. Director James Cameron could not be reached for comment.