An Ode to My Underwear

A Poem I Wrote in College

or

An Ode to Claire

by Purvis McGrew

Underwear is fun to wear.

I only own a single pair.

Tis she alone for whom I care.

Her name is Claire.

Three Alternative Theories for Road Kill

by Al Butterman

Sure, logic and intuition tells us that all those squished raccoons and possums and things we see by the side of the road were simple auto accidents, but isn’t it possible that other, funnier, reasons exist for the untimely demise of all those cute little critters?  I for one think so, and here are a few possibilities:

1) Suicide

It’s happened to all of us.  We’re running late for work or church or something, flying down the highway with reckless abandon, when suddenly a cute little squirrel ventures out into the road.  It stops, whiskers twitching as if contemplating our rapid approach. We prepare to brake, screaming, “Look out, little squirrel.  Run! Save yourself!”  Or perhaps a more direct, “Get the f*** out of the road!”  In any event, the cute little guy turns around scampers a few feet toward safety, and then, just as we start to breathe a sigh of relief, he turns around again and launches himself under our front tire.

TDB Classic: A Curious Incident at the Monkey House

It's not often we feature poetry at the Daily Brass, but we still don't have anything else to post, so here's one by Christamar Varicella.

A Curious Incident at the Monkey House

by

Christamar Varicella

Not long ago in a town close to you,

A boy and his mother went to the zoo.

The child he was keen on riling the beasts

by pelting their heads with rock candy treats. 

TDB's Greatest Hits Volume 1: You Think You Know Tough?

Even though it’s the beginning of the new year, we, the editors of the Daily Brass, have already run out of ideas.  Therefore, we’ve decided to spend the next few weeks highlighting a few underappreciated pieces that we believe deserve a second glance.

First up: Al Butterman’s seminal essay on toughness.  We feel it has a lot to teach us about what it means to be a man.  Enjoy.

Frank McCrackin was the toughest S.O.B. I've ever known. He was the only person ever to serve in the Army Rangers, the Navy Seals, and the Marine Corp Show Choir all at the same time. He served two tours of duty in Korea, three tours in Vietnam, and four tours in Disney on Ice. He played Goofy, the toughest S.O.B. in the magic kingdom.        

An Open Letter to the Sprout Network

 Dear Head of Programming,

I apologize for the public forum in which I now write to you, but as I have received only a few cursory replies to my inquiries and résumés, I feel I have no other choice.  As my initial suggestions seem to have fallen on deaf ears, I am taking this opportunity to elucidate a three-pronged strategy to save your network.  I only hope that the public rallies behind my ideas and pressures the corporate power structure to adopt these much-needed changes.

Top Ten Movies of 2013

It’s that time of year again: the time when random people tell you what movies they liked from the previous year.  And while generally these lists only provide you with information about who spends too much time watching movies, I feel as if I can offer a unique perspective unlike any you are likely to find anywhere else.  So here they are, Folks, listed in order of how many hands the movie would cause me to wave in the air if I had enough hands to do so.

10) The Hunger Games: Catching Fire - I thought this was going to be a movie about spontaneous combustion.  I kept expecting people to burst into flames in every scene.  This caused me a great deal of anxiety, or would have if I’d actually seen it.

Two Dreams

This morning I came across an old journal entry from December 26th, 2010 in which I shared with myself two dreams from the night before.  Having reread the entries I now realize how imperative it is that I share these dreams (one is more of a vision) with the world.

1) I dreamed that President Obama appointed Andy Griffith Attorney General. 

We Have a Comic Strip

The Daily Brass is proud to welcome Purvis McGrew's seminal comic strip: "The Coop Clucks Clan" to its pages.  As most of you know, the influence of Mr. McGrew's portrait of race relations within the processed chicken industry is inestimable.  We offer him our humble thanks for gracing our little blog with his esteemed words and pictures.  Open the page to read the first in a series.

The Editors 

Review: All About Roachie

All About Roachie

by Darwin Blattam

Esteemed Publishing, 476 pages

Reviewed by Christamar Varicella

It is not clear to what genre belongs the novel, All About Roachie.  If anything it seems to fit with the series of animated insect movies that debuted in the late 1990s and early 2000s.  Movies like Antz, A Bug’s Life, A Bee Movie, A Termite’s Tail, A Fly’s Fable, The Beetles’ Hard Days Night, Death to Tse Tse, and so forth.  And yet, somehow, Pixar and other production companies failed to delve into the world of cockroaches.  Herein lies the establishing premise of All About Roachie.  The protagonist, Darwin, is extremely bitter that his species has been left out of the spotlight.

An Open Letter to John Cougar Mellencamp

Dear John Cougar,

In this day and age, as politicians, pundits, and other politically minded animals cast aspersions on various political, and ethnic groups, blaming anyone and everyone for the decline of our once proud nation (America) I have, after much research, come to the conclusion that you are truly to blame.