This morning I came across an old journal entry from December 26th, 2010 in which I shared with myself two dreams from the night before. Having reread the entries I now realize how imperative it is that I share these dreams (one is more of a vision) with the world.
1) I dreamed that President Obama appointed Andy Griffith Attorney General.Citing his long career in public service including a stint as sheriff of Mayberry and also his time on Matlock, the president declared him more than qualified. Almost immediately the decision proved a poor one as Andy suffered a mental breakdown on national television. He delivered a drunken rant in which he vowed, among other things, to protect all of the people, not just the population of Mayberry. He went on to declare his eternal love for Helen Crump, his son Opie, and for some reason Ernest T. Bass. I don’t remember many other details of his speech, only that I watched in horror as an American institution crumbled before my eyes.
2) I also daydreamed a plan to rebuild the economy. The idea (epiphany) occurred innocently enough after I had to explain to my young daughter that I wasn’t able to find any Monster High plastic drinking cups to give her for Christmas. Always the optimist, she then declared that she would make the cup herself as soon as she got to kindergarten, her assumption being that this was the kind of thing kids did in kindergarten. School, in her mind, was a place where you learned to make things.
What a great idea, I thought! Why not teach our kids to make things, useful things like plastic cups and leather wallets? Why give that work to children in Bangladesh when we could give it to our own children? Not only would our nation’s children learn practical skills, the American manufacturing industry would return overnight. Those job-killing child labor laws could be side-stepped by making sewing and machine pressing part of common core standards. From toys to t-shirts, we could make it all!
Well, technically our children could make it all. I’m sure as hell not going to do any of that crap. As parents, we would retain supervisory roles and retain shares of the profits that could be put aside for college or other investment schemes.
This may seem unfair to some of the older kids, but they shouldn’t worry. There are plenty of things to learn to make, from dog food to computer software: everyone is bound to find their niche. And of course, everyone will have the opportunity to work their way up the ladder by growing older and having kids of their own.
I think we can all agree that this idea is a great way to fix the education system, restore our country to its former greatness, and teach our children the value of hard work in a manner in which I won’t have to do any of those things. It’s win-win!
Sadly, my first dream can never come true. Andy Griffith passed away in 2012 at the age of 86, but there is still time to enact my second dream. I hereby urge everyone to write to your representatives and demand that they implement my plan to put our children back to work rebuilding our country. God bless our children and God bless America.
Al Butterman is a staff writer for the Daily Brass.