Dear General MacArthur,
Let this letter serve as
my application for some of that genius money you guys like to hand out. My
accomplishments include pioneering research in the area of what happens to
boogers when you flick them across the room or scrape them on the underside of
chairs, and the subsequent creation of the Worldwide Booger Depository System. Thanks to me, anyone can request, for a
nominal charge, a BDR (Booger Depository Receptacle) that can be placed under
tables and chairs and end the scourge of suddenly discovering that you just put
your hand in yours or someone else’s boogers.
Just log in to www.boogerbags.com to order yours today.
Additionally, in my
twenties I invented a new philosophy that equates God with the Universe, demystifies
religion, and champions the rational over the supernatural. It essentially boils down to deep reverence
for the natural universe, thus eliminating the need to go to church. I have since discovered that this philosophy,
known as pantheism, has existed for thousands of years and was in fact
developed and popularized by Baruch Spinoza in the late 1600s, but I don’t see
how that makes me any less deserving of your money. After all, Alexander Graham Bell didn’t
really invent the telephone (it was some Italian guy) but that didn’t stop them
from naming ATT after him.
Speaking of, I heard
recently that you gave $625,000 to some guy who figured out how to play an old
recording of Alexander Graham Bell’s voice that had hitherto been lost to
the ages. I found this to be a great injustice
considering the fact that Alexander Graham Bell was himself never awarded the
grant. I hereby demand that you immediately award an
additional grant in the amount of $725,000 to his headstone. (An extra hundred grand has been added as a
late fee.)
Please leave the money
there next Thursday at precisely 3 pm.
Mr. Bell prefers the money be issued in small, unmarked bills and placed
in a black bowling ball bag with red lightning streaks down the side. I know what you’re thinking, and no, there
will be no one hiding behind that tree over there, so don’t even bother
looking. You people are so paranoid.
Yours faithfully,
Reverend Purvis McGrew
P.S. You might want to put in a good word for me
with Nobel Prize committee in regards to the booger bags.
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