Saturday, September 28, 2013

An Open Letter to the MacArthur Genius Foundation

Dear General MacArthur,

Let this letter serve as my application for some of that genius money you guys like to hand out. My accomplishments include pioneering research in the area of what happens to boogers when you flick them across the room or scrape them on the underside of chairs, and the subsequent creation of the Worldwide Booger Depository System.  Thanks to me, anyone can request, for a nominal charge, a BDR (Booger Depository Receptacle) that can be placed under tables and chairs and end the scourge of suddenly discovering that you just put your hand in yours or someone else’s boogers.  Just log in to to order yours today. 

Additionally, in my twenties I invented a new philosophy that equates God with the Universe, demystifies religion, and champions the rational over the supernatural.  It essentially boils down to deep reverence for the natural universe, thus eliminating the need to go to church.  I have since discovered that this philosophy, known as pantheism, has existed for thousands of years and was in fact developed and popularized by Baruch Spinoza in the late 1600s, but I don’t see how that makes me any less deserving of your money.  After all, Alexander Graham Bell didn’t really invent the telephone (it was some Italian guy) but that didn’t stop them from naming ATT after him. 

Speaking of, I heard recently that you gave $625,000 to some guy who figured out how to play an old recording of Alexander Graham Bell’s voice that had hitherto been lost to the  ages.  I found this to be a great injustice considering the fact that Alexander Graham Bell was himself never awarded the grant.   I hereby demand that you immediately award an additional grant in the amount of $725,000 to his headstone.  (An extra hundred grand has been added as a late fee.)

Please leave the money there next Thursday at precisely 3 pm.  Mr. Bell prefers the money be issued in small, unmarked bills and placed in a black bowling ball bag with red lightning streaks down the side.  I know what you’re thinking, and no, there will be no one hiding behind that tree over there, so don’t even bother looking.  You people are so paranoid.

Yours faithfully,

Reverend Purvis McGrew

P.S.  You might want to put in a good word for me with Nobel Prize committee in regards to the booger bags.

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