Sunday, October 6, 2013

An Open Letter to Marvel Comics

Dear President of Marvel Comics (Whoever you are), 

I’m going to be honest with you.  I’ve never read any of your work.  Comic books have always been a little too high-brow for my taste.  I’m excluding Archie and Jughead of course, and I’ve always loved that Casper.  What a friendly ghost he is!  (Incidentally, I have a first edition Casper that is worth nearly 75 cents, which is weird because I paid more than that when it was new.) The fact remains, I’m just not interested in your characters, stories, or artwork.  That said, I have a great idea for you that I know you’re going to love.

Please welcome a new superhero to your stable of characters: His name is Weather Man and he is the best super hero ever! 

Here’s the premise.  By day, Weather Man is a mild-mannered guy who works for a television station.  Maybe he’s some kind of broadcaster or something, or the guy who brings the hot dogs. (Spoilet alert: I haven’t worked out all the details.) But at night (and on most weekends) he totally controls the weather. 

Weather Man can fly with the wind, summon tornadoes, surf title waves, destroy coastal cities on a whim, you name it.   He can ride the lightening and has an appetite for destruction. (Side note: he loves 1980s era heavy metal music, and he may or may not be a master of puppets and use his illusions--I haven’t decided.)  Also he may or may not be evil, but I don’t see how that’s germane to this conversation.

Here’s the inner conflict that makes Weather Man such a complex and interesting character: he feels put-upon because everyone wants him to alter the weather to suit their preferences.  “That’s no problem for Weather Man,” you might say.  And you might be right.  But you also might be wrong.  The problem with your hypothetical contention is that different people have different preferences.  Some people like it hot.  Some people want it cold.  Some people like snow.  Some people hate snow.  Some people like roast beef.  Some people have none.  And some people go wee wee wee all the way home.  I’m sorry, I got distracted by my toes.  What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, Weather Man. Nothing pisses off Weather Man more than a fickle populace.  He’s like: “Why don’t you people make up your minds?”  Also, you can’t imagine how sick he is of talking about the weather.  It’s like people don’t realize he can discuss other topics! If he even tries to change the subject to the play-offs or something, the person he’s talking to just laughs and then asks him when it’s going to rain next.  What a jerk! 

I know you like this because it’s an awesome idea, but just to seal the deal I’m attaching one or two of my drawings to give you the full effect.  You should go ahead and get your illustrators drawing panels pronto. 

Say, that reminds me: Weather Man has a sidekick who’s name is Pronto.  As you can imagine, this leads to some delightful high jinx.  Weather Man will say, “Come here, Pronto,” and Pronto will be like, “Do you mean, come over here quickly or are you just saying my name?” 

Weather Man will be like, “Oh Pronto, you make me want to vomit.” 

What a great catch phrase! 

Here’s an awesome plot scenario for the first issue: Weather Man and Pronto decide to go snow skiing.  They go to the Swiss Alps where they hop on a cable car with a third guy.  Well, half-way up the Alp, the new guy starts shaking the cable car like a real jerk.  They’re about a million feet in the air and Pronto starts to freak out a little bit because he’s afraid of heights and enclosed spaces.  He gets so nervous he starts expelling gas, thus stinking up the cable car.  Can you imagine?  You’re up there in the stratosphere and the cable car is rocking perilously on this skinny little piece of wire and all of a sudden one of the people you’re with starts pooting.  It’s everyone’s worst nightmare!  Needless to say the guy shaking the cable car turns out to be a villain known as “The Bad Guy.”  Also needless to say, after they get done skiing, The Bad Guy is mysteriously washed away in a flash flood. 

t’s classic Weather Man!

Believe it or not, this actually happened to me.  Only in real life, I was the guy shaking the cable car and also the guy expelling gas.   It’s good because it’s true. 

This is just the first idea off the top of my head!  I could probably think of more.

In conclusion: Get back to me as soon as possible and give me some money.  Also in conclusion: All rights reserved.

Your friend and future business partner,

Al Butterman

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