May I call you Gipper? Gipper, when you died a part of me died as well, and I’m not talking about the part that believes in supply-side economics. That part is alive and well! Any day now, those Bush and Obama (we got him!) tax cuts for the wealthy are going to trickle down to the masses and life will return to the majesty and prosperity of the 1980s. It was a simpler time then, when we knew it was right to hate the Russians, hairspray was our best friend, and gay marriage had an entirely different meaning.
You know, liberals have accused you of raising taxes eleven times, but I knew in my heart that this could not be true, so I went back and checked the solar calendar, and it turns out, in each and every instance taxes were raised on an Opposite Day. Therefore, you actually lowered taxes eleven times. Thank you for that!
I have a question about the movie Bedtime for Bonzo. I know in my heart that you would never have sex with a monkey, but I think the image of you sleeping in the same bed with a chimpanzee raises suggestions and innuendo. Damn it, I wish you’d never made that movie! It tears me up inside. Why couldn’t have all of your movies been like that Notre Dame movie. Wasn’t that the one where a guy breaks his neck playing football, and then on his death bed, urges his teammates to go stomp the shit out of the the team that killed him? I’m not sure because I haven’t actually seen any of your movies. Come to think of it, my memory of Bedtime for Bonzo may have come from a Phil Collins video from the 1980s. Do you remember that song, Sussuddio. What the hell does that mean, anyway?
Anyway, Gip, I know I’ve taken up a lot of your time and you probably need to get back to giving Boris Yeltsin a noogey for the rest of eternity, so I’ll wrap up this letter with this platitude: Thank you so much for ordering the Commies to tear down that wall, for making us all better off than we were four years before, and for reading your lips: No new taxes! You were a true American hero. No, you were the Greatest American Hero, just like that TV show that debuted back in the 80s. I think it was called Spider Man.
Al ButtermanBackground: Review:The Mucus Stain