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The Oiliest Secret Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Review of Novel-in-Progress Chapter 7
He stood seven feet tall with a protruding forehead and a chest like a bearskin rug. In all her life, Jenna Strumpet had never seen such a beautiful specimen.
She hoisted herself off of the examining table and dusted herself off. She hadn’t expected to find him here, among hundreds of boxes of carefully categorized artifacts, including individually wrapped and labeled dinosaur bones, some of which, perhaps, contained the fossilized remains of the very Tyrannosaurus Rex who, not five minutes ago, had plowed her like a corn field. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Not now. Not while she felt so satisfied, and so sore. It would take months, maybe years to recover. No, this was not the time to fall in love.
And yet, ever since she’d been deserted by her former lovers not five minutes earlier, not since the two squabbling prehistoric specters had vanished into thin air two minutes after that, revealing, as if by a lifted curtain, another figure, not quite as large as a dinosaur, but still very large, and most impressive.
The Monkey Man Monster, or TMMM for short, had evolved quite nicely in recent days. No longer did he seek to destroy those who would deny his natural ability to adapt to his surroundings. He no longer felt any need to prove himself by finding conservative republicans, waiting outside their doors, and the bashing the shit out of them with a club. Why waste your time on people who were stuck in the past. Life had so much more to offer.
He no longer dressed as one would expect from a caveman. Gone was the strip of saber tooth tiger skin, replaced by a suit of clothes that would have been at the height of fashion in the Victorian era. He a heavy wool suit, black of course, a bowler’s hat, and a monocle.
“Hello,” he said the high nasally manner of British aristocracy.
“Oh,” Jenna said as she ran her hand through her hair. “Hello yourself.”
“Is it me or is it rather hot in here?” asked TMMM, better known as the Monkey Man Monster. He’d already unbuttoned his shirt down to his belly button, but had not managed to loosen his tie, only to throw it over his shoulder.
“It’s hot in here and it’s you,” Jenna said. She unbuttoned several buttons of her blouse to catch up.
“A proper young lady always wears a hoop skirt during formal occasions,” TMMM, by which I mean The Monkey Man Monster, informed her.
“Good thing I’m not a proper young lady,” Jenna said. “So tell me,” she began as she strutted up to him and grabbed him by the tie, “are you monkey, a monster, or are you a man?” She emphasized the word man.
“I prefer the term, Neanderthal American. My given name is Ug, although I prefer to be called Thaddeus.”
“I like you whatever you are.”
“Madam, you forget yourself. A woman should never speak to a man in such an untoward manner, lest she be considered a harlot.”
“You know, “Jenna said as she extended her arm to the massive brute with the newly discovered sexist tendencies. “I’ve always considered myself an old-fashioned girl. I think we’re going to get along just fine. ”
Thaddeus took her arm in his. “Well, I say,” he said. He checked his pocket watch, slipped the timepiece into his vest pocket, adjusted his monacle, and then escorted her to the exit.
Outside the museum, Jenna paused, prompting Tad to ask if there was something he could do to assist her. Jenna shook her head. "I just remembered something I need to get at the pharmacy on the way home."
"Oh?" Tad asked, raising his eyebrows, and dropping the monocle. "What's that?"
Jenna gave him a sly wink. "A lady never reveals her secrets."