The Empty Chairby Clint Eastwood
Caramelized Press 435 pages
Reviewed by Sally Putterman
In one of the fastest turnarounds in publishing history, Caramelized Press has turned what was widely considered a rambling, doddering twelve minute speech by actor/director Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention into a book that hit stores a mere thirty six hours after the speech was given. Perhaps even more amazingly, the book details what Mr. Eastwood was actually thinking when he made the decision to make a fool of himself in front of a nationally televised audience by talking to an empty chair and pretending it was the president. Even more amazingly, the book also details what the chair was thinking.
Perhaps Mr. Eastwood should be given credit for taking the time to present the chair’s point of view. As some critics noted, the chair was not given a microphone, and so most of what it said to Mr. Eastwood was inaudible to the audience watching at home on television. Mr. Eastwood rectified that by including a transcript, a portion of which follows:
“Wow, I can’t believe I’m up here with Clint Eastwood. I hope he says, ‘Go ahead, make my day.’ That would, in fact, make my day. I may be the luckiest chair in the world.
“Wait a second, what did he say? For a second I thought he called me President Obama. But that would be ridiculous. I’m just a chair, Dude. I was assembled in China last month by six-year-olds.
“Oh good; he’s talking about something else. That was getting pretty weird for a second.
“Now, I am just a chair after all, but I think Republican obstructionism in Congress might have something to do with why Gitmo hasn’t been closed.
“I don’t remember Romney promising to bring the troops home from Afghanistan. Has this guy read the platform?
“Hold on there. He did it again. He called me President Obama. What should I do? Should I tell him I’m just a chair. I don’t want to embarrass him or anything, but I can’t just sit here and pretend to be the president. Can I?
“Wait, did he just tell me to shut up? I didn’t say anything. I did not! You’re the one doing all the talking. You should shut up!
“Oh man, this is so weird.
"Oh yeah? Oh yeah? You think I'm just going to sit here (no pun intended) and take all this sh-- from you? Oh yeah? Well F----- you man. F---- you!
"Yes you can do it to yourself. I'm the one who can't do it to myself. That's actually a sore issue with me. Lay off.
“Biden can’t be any crazier than you are, Old Man!
“What’s bifurcating mean?
“Okay. I have no idea what he’s talking about. Maybe if I pretend like I’m talking to the podium, he’ll leave me alone.
“Oh good, the audience is taking pity on him. Go ahead, say ‘make my day,’ and this can all be over. Say ‘make my day!’
“This is so horrible. This is worse than when my grandmother went off to be reupholstered.
“Oh, thank God it’s over. I never thought I would look forward to someone sitting on me again. I don't care who, as long as it's not Christie.”
Sally Putterman gives this book a B+
Sally Putterman reviews books for the Daily Brass.
More reviews by Sally: Review: Foxes and Chickens, An Allegory, Review: A Bug Story, Review: Blood Bites Review: This Land is My Land Review:The Mucus Stain