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“Gentlemen,” the professor said. “The information you will receive here today is not to leave this room.” His eyes slowly panned across a small sea of white faces wearing constipated expressions. He scratched his chin through a layer of Santa-white beard. “It is a secret that has spanned millions...” he coughed, cleared his throat, “I mean six thousand years.”
The men, some wearing grey or blue suits with red ties, others with gray or blue suits with bow ties, made oh sounds and shapes with their mouths. Professor Dirk Heigenhesten of the Petroleum Institute of Technology had their attention and he had it good. “I want to talk to you about the dinosaurs.”
Suddenly the room was alive with murmuring. The existence of dinosaurs was almost as controversial as evolution, global warming, and the Copernican model of the solar system.
“We know there were dinosaurs, and we know they were in the garden of Eden with Adam and Eve,” said the professor. “Sure, God forgot to mention them in the Bible, but that’s OK. He had a lot on his mind.” There was much nodding in the room. “But that’s not why I assembled you here. What I have to tell you, what I have recently uncovered, what we will eventually reveal to the world, is perhaps the greatest secret ever concealed.” He looked each man carefully in the eye to be sure they appreciated the gravity of the moment. “The liberals would have you believe...”
“Stupid liberals. They think their so smart,” murmured a conservatively dressed radical conservative with short cropped hair and glasses.
“The liberals would have you believe that the dinosaurs were killed by an asteroid.”
“Asteroids are just spit balls from God,” volunteered another conservatively dressed radical conservative with short cropped hair and glasses.
“But that is not the case. My research, in conjunction with the Astrology department of a local university, has revealed that dinosaurs were not killed by an asteroid, they were not killed by disease, they were not slain with spears by Cain and Abel, riding the backs of wooly Mammoths...”
“That would have been so cool...” said a liberally dressed man with short hair and glasses--liberally dressed because his tie was blue, a source of much friendly ribbing among the around the PIT campus.
“No my friends, the dinosaurs were killed by something far more heinous, something that they, the dinosaurs themselves would not have wanted you to know, and in fact, it is this secret that is responsible for the recent tragedies among conservative scholars. The liberals think that the ghosts of dinosaurs have been killing conservatives because we champion the use of fossil fuels, but that isn’t it at all. You see, the dinosaur ghosts have a secret, and because dinosaur ghosts themselves have the most to gain from perpetuating the myth that their reign of terror is over the use of fossil fuels, you might even call this the oiliest secret...”
Suddenly the door flew open. “Did someone say my name?” A woman stood in the doorway. She was dressed completely in red, from her high heel shoes to a dress cut so low that one of her nipples was hanging out.
“I don’t believe I said anyone’s name. What are you doing here? Can’t you read the sign? It clearly reads, ‘No girls allowed.’”
“I’m not a girl, I’m a woman. My name is Jenna Strumpet.”
“For the love of God, tell me the freaking secret,” screamed a moderately dressed radical conservative with short hair and glasses. (His tie was black.)
They heard a rumbling sound in the distance. The men looked around. Where was that sound coming from?
“Gentleman,” the Professor looked at Jenna and frowned, “and woman...”
The fact that he appeared not to be interested turned Jenna on all the more.
“The dinosaurs died out because of gay marriage.”
“Of course,” said an independent. He wore a gray suit and a black bow tie. “Wait, what?”
“The dinosaurs died out because they didn’t want to have sex with female dinosaurs. They found it icky.”
There was another pounding sound, louder this time. “What about the females?” asked someone else. I’m not sure who. Those people all look alike.
“The females were also gay,” said the professor.
“That’s hot,” said the first conservatively dressed conservative.
“Wait a second,” said the second, “The dinosaurs got married?”
“Yes,” said the professor. “At first they liked to sleep around, but gradually they became monogamous. I guess you could say they evolved.”
A collective gasp rose from the mouths of everyone in the room.
“Changed, I meant. They didn’t evolve, they changed.”
“There’s no such thing as change,” someone yelled. “Everything is as exactly the same as it always was and always will be.”
There was another crashing sound. The room shook, rattled the chandelier, sent bits of plaster falling down like snow flakes.
“That doesn’t change my main point--gay marriage killed the dinosaurs.”
The next moment the ceiling was lifted away, revealing a night sky and the ghostly apparitions of a stegosaurus and a tyrannosaurus rex. They looked at each other and smiled sheepishly. Their tails were intertwined.
“Boo,” yelled one of the conservatives. He was subsequently eaten.
“Gay dinosaurs,” yelled someone else. “They’re killing us.” He was immediately killed.
The room erupted into chaos. Conservatives with short hair and glasses ran screaming in circles as the dinosaur ghosts picked them off one by one. Within minutes, the only person alive in the room was Jenna.
She found herself surround by a hundred tons of raw animal power. They held absolute power over her. There was nothing she could do to stop them from doing to her as they wished. She’d never been more turned on in her life.
I wonder if I could convert one of them, she thought. She lifted her dress, slightly revealing her thigh. “Hey fellahs. See anything you like?”
The dinosaur ghosts looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Their secret was out of the bag.
To be continued....
The Oiliest Secret Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Review of Novel-in-Progress Chapter 7 Chapter 8