Friday, July 6, 2012

Dinosaur Ghost Chapter 2: Dangerous Emissions

This story has been revised.  For the latest version, see below.
Dinosaur Ghost is now available for free as a pdf!
As Rock Benson travelled home from work in the back of his 28-foot stretch Hummer, he swirled his martini and smiled. He eased down into the relaxing cauldron that constituted his Hummer’s hot tub. Thirteen months had passed since his successor, the network’s number one rated pundit, Herman Bainbridge, had been annihilated in a tragic accident, but since that time, Rock’s career had soared. Tonight’s episode of his show perfectly illustrated the reason for this upward trajectory. He closed his eyes and the show appeared against the backdrop of his eyelids in transcript form.

Rock: Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m Rock Benson, and you’ve hit Rock Bottom. Tonight we have two special guests, each representing an opposing view on the existence of a controversial topic. Is Global Warming real or is it liberal bunk? We’ll present both opinions and then let you decide. First up is Professor Jeffrey Silvermeyer, head of the climate science department at Harvard University. He thinks global warming is real. Thanks for being here, Mr. Nerdelmeyer. Tell us your opinion.

Prof: My name is Silvermeyer, and it’s not just my opinion. Global warming is backed by overwhelming evidence.

Rock: Then why am I cold right now?

Prof: You’re sitting underneath a vent. As I was saying, carbon-based emissions trap sunlight in the atmosphere, sunlight that would otherwise be reflected into space.

Rock: Space? That seems a little farfetched, doesn’t it?

Prof: Space sounds farfetched?

Rock: This isn’t Star Wars. It’s 2012.

Prof: As I was saying. The trapped sunlight warms the planet, which is why the poles are melting, ocean temperatures are rising, and every New Year brings the warmest year on record. The consequences of all this will be catastrophic.

Rock: Says you.

Prof: This is serious.

Rock: (Laughing) I’m sorry, professor. I didn’t understand a word of that. That brings us to our next guest. Dr. Kookie Westerball is a professor of Scientific Studies at the Online Institute of Port-O-Prince. Doctor Westerball, you’re a doctor, is that correct?

Kookie: Yes, Rock. I have a PHD in Facticious Anomalies from The Tennessee Valley Creationist College. I also hold several advanced degrees, including an MBA, an MFA, an MBNA, a BFF, and an LOL, from various junior colleges throughout South America.

Rock: Pretty impressive. Why don’t you tell our viewers why Mr. Nerdmeyer is a liberal propagandist looking to make fast cash perpetuating the myth of Global Warming.

Prof: Wait a second. How could I possibly profit…

Rock: You had your shot, Nerdie. Go ahead, Doc.

Kook: Well, Rock, it has been constitutionally proven by world renowned Scientologists—these are professionals fluent in Einstonian Geometrics, Quasi-Judicial Influenzas, and Bi-Curial Menstruations—that global climate change is easily attributable to normal Paleozoic fluctuations of the Ionosphere—much like the Ice Age portrayed in the film starring Ray Romano.  I forget what it was called.  Also, current temperatic abstractions can be traced back to the fact that God is mad about gay marriage.

Rock: (Fascinated) Really? I had no idea Ray Romano was gay in that movie.

Kook: He was the way I watched it.

Rock: Well, folks, there you have it. Two renowned scientists with two completely different takes on the global warming myth. Personally, I don’t know what to think. I’m stumped.

Kook: I thought you were Rock.

(They laugh while the professor buries his head and his hands.)

Rock: Thanks for tuning in tonight, everybody. Come back tomorrow to once again hit Rock Bottom.

Rock pushed the button for the retractable roof and watched as a beautiful night sky opened up above him. He tossed his martini away, turning to see if it landed on a homeless person. Unfortunately, the streets were deserted. He reached along the edge of the hot tub until he found a Cuban cigar and a solid gold Zippo lighter.

As he relaxed, he closed his eyes and blocked out the world.  In doing so, he failed to notice a rather large tail slither into his hot tub, nor did he spot the six-foot-long spikes jutting out of that tail, and neither was he cognizant of the giant armored plates rising out of the water and climbing up the back of the shimmering apparation attached to that spiked tail, a seventeen ton Stegosaurus backing up to his hot tub in an attempt to scratch a place his spikes could never reach. It was unfortunate for Rock that the Hummer lacked the prehistoric vegetation that once constituted the Stegosaurus’s diet. The monster had settled for raiding the mini-fridge, where it had quickly devoured a platter of expensive French cheese and escargot. And it was to Rock Benson’s great misfortune that at the precise moment Rock sparked his Cuban cigar; the Stegosaurus let loose a blast of flatulence. In an instant, Rock Benson was incinerated.