Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Dinosaur Ghost Chapter 12: Climax Within a Climax

Dinosaur Ghost is now available for free as a pdf!

Warning: this post should not be viewed by children.  Or adults. 

Once again, Helen checked her supply of paranormal armaments: the Specter Deflector, the Phantom Blaster, The Ghost Roaster, Apparition Munitions, and, just to be safe, a half-dozen stink bombs.  It was all there. 
“Sexy outfit?”  She looked down at her body.  “Check.”  
She had everything she needed.  Now all she needed was to find the dinosaur ghosts.
“Where should we look first?” Stumpy asked.  “K-Street?  Congress?  Tea Party Convention?  The titty bar downtown?”
“You aren’t going anywhere,” Helen snarled.  She threw the rest of her weapons into her backpack and slung it over her shoulder.  Then she cocked her Ghost Roaster (there was a switch on the side.)  “I’m going to catch me a dinosaur ghost.”
Stumpy, who had evidently wandered off while Helen was packing, came back into the room carrying a soda.  “Okay.  I’ll come too.”
Helen glared.  Stumpy took a sip of soda.
Forty five minutes later they arrived at the Museum of Natural History in fabulous New York City.  “What are we doing here?”  Stumpy asked.  “I thought we wanted to find republicans.”
“If I can’t go to the dinosaur ghosts, then I’ll have to bring the dinosaur ghosts to me,” Helen said.
“Ooh.  I want to see the Theodore Roosevelt Rotunda!” said Stumpy.
They went into the museum.  Helen made a beeline for the famous tyrannosaurus skeleton.  She took off her backpack, let it drop to the floor.
“What do we do now?” Stumpy asked.
Helen cupped a hand over her mouth and called out, “I believe that human life begins at conception and that it is sacrosanct!”
“Helen, what are you doing? People are looking at us,” Stumpy said.
Helen yelled, “I think a path to citizenship wouldn’t be fair to the immigrants who came here legally.”
“Helen, please, the children.”
Chaperones for an elementary school field trip quickly ushered the children into another room.  Two security guards approached from opposite wings.
A faint rumbling sounded  in the distance. 
 “The best way to stimulate the economy is through additional tax cuts!”
The rumbling sound intensified.  The windows rattled.
“Helen,” Stumpy said, easing away from her.
Helen shouted, “Alternative energy sources aren’t yet viable!”
The entire room shook now.  The two security guards fell down.  Everyone else ran out of the room.
“Marriage should be legally defined as the union between a man and a woman!”
The walls cracked open and debris rained down from the ceiling.  The security guards bolted toward the exit.  Stumpy lingered nearby. 
The scaffolding maintaining the tyrannosaurus skeleton collapsed, but the skeleton itself remained erect and intact.  It turned on its own volition and, as it did so, muscle and flesh enveloped its bones.  A growl emanated from its newly formed throat.  Eyes rolled into their sockets and looked down at Helen with extreme loathing.
“Helen,” Stumpy said.  “There is something I have to tell you.”
“Not now, Stumpy.  I have to finish this.”
Helen fired a blast from her Ghost Roaster, narrowly missing the T-Rex’s torso.  A sudden movement flashed in her peripheral vision as the tail of a stegosaurus snapped her weapon out of her hands in one bullwhip motion and sent it flying across the room.  She lunged for her backpack as the tail snapped back down and crushed the ground where she had been standing.  She stretched out her arm for the bag, but the tyrannosaurus was ready.  It crushed her backpack beneath its heal, forcing Helen to roll behind a triceratops display.  She watched in horror as the dinosaur gobbled down her backpack and all its contents.
“My stink bombs!”
The T-Rex then went after the triceratops display, but Helen refused to run. Not this time.  Instead, she eased around the stone base, all the while staring into the eyes of her predator.
Without the benefit of weaponry, she turned to the only weapon she had left: her raw, animalistic sexuality.  She leaned over, giving the terrible lizard an eyeful of cleavage.
“Hey, Big Boy.  What do you think of these?”
The tyrannosaurus cocked its head to one side as if to say, “Did she really just do that?”
“Helen,” Stumpy implored from across the room. “It’s really important.”
“Not now, Stumpy,” Helen shouted.  This was personal. This was the dinosaur that had eaten her last two boyfriends, and she wasn’t about to let it get away with it.  For once, just once, she was going to seize the upper hand in a relationship.
“But Helen,” Stumpy said.  “It’s really important.  I reconfigured some of my earlier calculations and it turns out that dinosaur ghosts aren’t just angry about the burning  of fossil fuels.  That’s only a small part of it.  The real issue is much closer to their hearts.”
“What are you talking about, Stumpy?”  Helen had the tyrannosaurus locked in her sultry gaze.  Casually, she pulled the straps of her dress away from her shoulders, lowered the front of her dress, and flashed her boobs.
“You were right all along. It wasn’t the comet that killed off the dinosaurs,” Stumpy yelled.
“What was it then?”  Helen hiked up her skirt and winked at the dinosaur, who looked back at the stegosaurus.
“Gay marriage,” Stumpy said.  “Gay marriage killed the dinosaurs.”
Helen froze.   She looked over at the stegosaurus who was looking at the tyrannosaurus and shaking its head.  “Don’t do it,” it seemed to be saying.  It turned to Helen and scowled.  Its head bounced from side to side as if saying, “You best stay away from my boyfriend, bitch!”
“Stumpy, start making sense please.”
“It’s impossible to procreate through homosexual relations. And since the dinosaurs were all gay, they weren’t able to perpetuate the species, so they just died out.”
“But they had babies!”
“They tried it for a while.  You know, using surrogates, but technology wasn’t where it is today and their hearts weren’t in it.”
Helen stood in the center of the Museum of Natural History, naked above the waist, facing the most feared animal ever to walk the Earth, this colossal apparition soaring above her, and yet, at that moment, her mind formed only a single thought: this dinosaur better not be gay. 
“Well,” Helen said.  “This is the moment of truth.”
The ghost of the tyrannosaurus took one last look at the stegosaurus moping in the background and then looked back at Helen and nodded. 
“Oh,” Helen said, caught off guard by this reaction.  “You really want to go through with this?” She climbed onto the giant stone table that had once held a triceratops skeleton and lay down on her back.  “Remember me, Stumpy.  Remember what I did here today.”
“What are you doing?” Stumpy shouted.
Helen thought for a moment.  What was the plan again? 
The tyrannosaurus took several deep breaths, as if psyching itself up for something it really did not want to do.
Helen slid her skirt up over her waist.
The dinosaur ghost shuddered, unable to hide a look of disgust.  It glanced over its shoulder at the stegosaurus in the corner and then stared off into space.  With its tiny forearms, it threw a rapid succession of one-two punches at the air like a boxer readying for a bout. 
A soft mournful wail emanated from the stegosaurus.  Every now and then it let out a great sigh. 
Helen looked up  at the tyrannosaurus, the thing that was about to inflict upon her twenty tons of unbridled reptilian passion.  Her gaze then dropped to its stiffening dinosaurhood.  It compared proportionally to its tiny forearms.  All things considered, this was probably a good thing.
“Well?” She asked.  “What are you waiting for?”
The tyrannosaurus began to hyperventilate.  However, whatever had transpired between the two dinosaurs was serious enough that the tyrannosaur was determined to go through with an act that it found extremely icky.  It took several more deep breaths and then moved into position. 
In the corner, the stegosaurus began to sob.
This wasn't a completely unusual position for Helen to be in--lying on her back, a sweaty beast on top of her, silently waiting for it all to be over. It wasn’t even the first time she’d been with someone whose heart wasn’t in it, but this time she found it impossible to let her thoughts drift to a list of things she needed to do the next day.  She simply couldn’t take her mind off the fact that she was being plowed by a tyrannosaurus. 
“Just finish already!” she cried.
Looking up into its sweaty, straining, scaly face, she could see a flash of determination pass through its expression, and at that moment she felt as if it was telling itself the same thing.  “Just finish already!”
It glanced back at the stegosaurus, quietly chewing on a fern, and then looked back at Helen and resumed with such vigor that Helen howled like a wild animal.
Ten seconds later it was all over. 
Helen lay there, sweaty, panting, wondering if she’d ever walk again.
The tyrannosaurus withdrew, staggered back to the stegosaurus with malicious swagger.  It roared then a way that suggested to Helen that it was saying, “That’s what you get for making out with that diplodocus at the Pomelroy’s dinner party.”
An argument of sorts ensued in the form of roars. 
Stumpy, who’d been watching transfixed from the corner of the room, suddenly snapped out of his trance.  He ran over to where Helen’s homemade Ghost Roaster lay on the floor.
“Helen,” he said.  “Here, catch.” He threw the device across the room where it landed with a splat against her belly.
“What?” Helen said. “Now you throw this to me?  You're the worst sidekick ever!”
Through immeasurable pain, she propped herself onto her elbow.  Powering on her doodad, she watched the stegosaurus deliver a wicked slap of the hoof across the face of the T-Rex.
“Hey, Assholes,” Helen shouted.
Both dinosaurs froze in place momentarily and then turned in her direction.

“Why don’t you both go back to where you came from." She pulled the trigger, sending a laser blasting across the room.  The dinosaur ghosts tensed with rage, but remained frozen in place as the ray gun continued to pour its ammunition into them.  They began to shake, and then exploded in a flash of light.  When the smoke cleared, the dinosaur ghosts were gone.
Go to chapter 13