Dear
CNN,
I
understand the pressure you’re under. The
imminent deadlines. The constant need to
fill every minute of every day with... something. All that time to
fill--basically infinity--and so little of the news is actually interesting.
I
tell you, Brother/Sister, I’ve been through it.
I just wrote a novella (short novel)
in 15 days, and it was brutal.
Every day I woke up and said to myself, “Time to feed the beast.” (That’s
what I call my grandmother.) Then I
would sit down and type up a chapter.
All
that hard work, and yet, my viewers were never satisfied! (By viewers I mean
the people who like to watch me write.)
“When
are you going to finish the book?” They would say.
And
I would reply, “Alright, Grandma. I’m
doing it. I’m doing it. But I’m still not getting a job when I’m done!”
The
moral of that story is that I feel your pain.
And I’m here to help.
Instead
of reporting the actual news (things that really happen), why not increase your
market share by reporting on things that MIGHT happen? It’s really a small step from where you are
now, but it’s one giant leap for mankind.
(Pretty good line, huh? I just made that up.)
With
that in mind, I happen to be the world’s leading authority on a little known
phenomena known as Dinosaur Ghosts.
I’m glad you asked. Imagine a world in which dinosaurs walk the Earth. Now imagine that they go extinct. Now imagine that they come back and start eating republicans because of their stance on gay marriage? Can you imagine that?
I
understand if you have some reservations, but don’t worry. I can totally back up the existence of
Dinosaur Ghosts with hard evidence.
Now,
things could get pretty heated once you break the story and scoop your competitors, so from now
on, I want you to refer to me by my code name, Deep Throat. (I made that up too. It’s based on a movie I watched with my
dentist. It’s also based on how long
some of the throats are of dinosaur ghosts.
Have you ever seen a diplodocus?
Pretty deep throat, huh?)
I
look forward to hearing from you soon,
Your
Pal,
Christamar
Varicella (Diplodocus Throat)
To learn more about Dinosaur Ghosts, please read An
Open Letter to FOX NEWS,An
Open Letter to MSNBC, An Open Letter to Thomas Pynchon, An Open Letter to Cormac McCarthy, An Open Letter to Jonathan Franzen,
