Sunday, July 20, 2014

An Open Letter to CNN

Dear CNN,
I understand the pressure you’re under.  The imminent deadlines.  The constant need to fill every minute of every day with... something. All that time to fill--basically infinity--and so little of the news is actually interesting.

I tell you, Brother/Sister, I’ve been through it.  I just wrote a novella (short novel)  in 15 days, and it was brutal.  Every day I woke up and said to myself, “Time to feed the beast.” (That’s what I call my grandmother.)  Then I would sit down and type up a chapter.

All that hard work, and yet, my viewers were never satisfied! (By viewers I mean the people who like to watch me write.)

“When are you going to finish the book?” They would say.

And I would reply, “Alright, Grandma.  I’m doing it.  I’m doing it.  But I’m still not getting a job when I’m done!”

The moral of that story is that I feel your pain.  And I’m here to help.

Instead of reporting the actual news (things that really happen), why not increase your market share by reporting on things that MIGHT happen?  It’s really a small step from where you are now, but it’s one giant leap for mankind.  (Pretty good line, huh? I just made that up.) 

With that in mind, I happen to be the world’s leading authority on a little known phenomena known as Dinosaur Ghosts.

What are Dinosaur Ghosts, you ask?

I’m glad you asked.  Imagine a world in which dinosaurs walk the Earth.  Now imagine that they go extinct.  Now imagine that they come back and start eating republicans because of their stance on gay marriage?  Can you imagine that? 

Good.  Now, go report it.  Then sit back and wait for the ratings Bonanza

I understand if you have some reservations, but don’t worry.  I can totally back up the existence of Dinosaur Ghosts with hard evidence.

Now, things could get pretty heated once you break the story and scoop your competitors, so from now on, I want you to refer to me by my code name, Deep Throat.  (I made that up too.  It’s based on a movie I watched with my dentist.  It’s also based on how long some of the throats are of dinosaur ghosts.  Have you ever seen a diplodocus?  Pretty deep throat, huh?) 

I look forward to hearing from you soon,
Your Pal,

Christamar Varicella (Diplodocus Throat)