In a move that stunned Washington insiders, today President Obama granted the wishes of the most disaffected members of his base. With one wave of his newly acquired magic wand, the president boosted domestic spending, raised taxes on the richest one percent, and closed the base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
“It’s about time,” said Juliette Harrington, a professional latte sipper from Portland, Oregon. “He made some big promises at the convention in 2008. I remember distinctly, he rode in on a winged horse and then slid down a rainbow to the stage. That’s when he said everything would change the moment he took office.”
Prior to his acquisition of the wand, the president faced fierce congressional opposition to every proposed initiative, but today all resistance magically vanished.
“I wonder why he waited so long,” said Doug Ellington, who makes his living conducting gay wedding ceremonies and performing unwanted abortions. He added, “I’m still mad at him for not instituting the single payer health care system that he never endorsed and wouldn’t have been elected if he had.”
Ironically, the dreams of conservatives also came true when the president waved his wand. That’s when an army of bureaucrats appeared from nowhere and took away their guns. “See,” shouted Peter Dinklebaum of Huntsville, Alabama. “It’s like we’ve been saying all along, only this time it’s true!”
When pressed for comment, a spokesman for the White House said, “The President would have acted sooner, but it took a long time for the wand to be delivered from Liberal Heaven.”
At the time of this reporting, it was unclear if or how the wand waving would affect the president’s reelection bid.