In a move that stunned Washington insiders, today President Obama granted the wishes of the
most disaffected members of his base.
With one wave of his newly acquired magic wand, the president boosted
domestic spending, raised taxes on the richest one percent, and closed the base
at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
“It’s about time,” said Juliette Harrington, a professional
latte sipper from Portland, Oregon. “He
made some big promises at the convention in 2008. I remember distinctly, he rode in on a winged
horse and then slid down a rainbow to the stage. That’s when he said everything would change
the moment he took office.”
Prior to his acquisition of the wand, the president faced
fierce congressional opposition to every proposed initiative, but today all
resistance magically vanished.
“I wonder why he waited so long,” said Doug Ellington, who
makes his living conducting gay wedding ceremonies and performing unwanted
abortions. He added, “I’m still mad at
him for not instituting the single payer health care system that he never endorsed and wouldn’t have been
elected if he had.”
Ironically, the dreams of conservatives also came true when the president waved his wand. That’s when an army of bureaucrats appeared
from nowhere and took away their guns. “See,”
shouted Peter Dinklebaum of Huntsville, Alabama. “It’s like we’ve been saying all along, only
this time it’s true!”
When pressed for comment, a spokesman for the White House
said, “The President would have acted sooner, but it took a long time for the
wand to be delivered from Liberal Heaven.”
At the time of this reporting, it was unclear if or how the wand
waving would affect the president’s
reelection bid.
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