GOP Changes Stance, Life Begins at Birth Certificate

In a staggering reversal of a long-held belief, today the Grand Old Party ruled that life begins not at conception, but upon the release of the long form birth certificate. And even then, not really. Moved by republican hatred of the president, the ruling came after long deliberations high atop Mount Rushmore, inside the hollowed-out head of Teddy Roosevelt, where leaders and strategists meet to issue talking points. The decision came after an election official in Arizona suggested that Barack Obama may not be placed on the ballot in November unless evidence emerged that included a video of the future president emerging from his mother's womb wearing a sash emblazoned with the phrase, Made in the USA. According to sources familiar with the proceedings, republicans then decided to "go all in." The move caused an existential crisis within the party. Many leaders worried it would cause a backlash from the pro life majority, however the crisis quickly passed when it was decided that birth certificates would now be released at conception.