Sunday, December 7, 2014

Christamar Varicella's Resume

Relevant Experience, Education, and Momentous Life Changes:

October 2014 – Present
Diverted attention from life of quiet desperation by using the animation software wife gifted for 40th birthday.  Began posting short, funny, poorly animated cartoons on a semi-weekly basis.

September 2014
Conceived third child

July – August 2014
Penned humor novella Dinosaur Ghost in 15 days.  Self-published as an eBook in September. (view trailer)  Grew first beard.

2012 – 2014
Creator/Editor of The Daily Brass.  Online blog type thing devoted to long form comedy, including open letters to celebrity authors, fake book reviews, and parodies.

Conceived second child.

2009 – Present
Middle School Teacher.  Love working with kids, but needless paper work, politics, and bureaucracy lead to that quiet desperation thing mentioned earlier.

June 2012
Completed thriller novel The ReverendAfter three years of revising and working with an agent, the novel is rejected by five different publishers for five different reasons.  Dropped by agent and encouraged to self-publish.  Realized I don’t even like thriller novels.

April 2012
Self-published Too Weird, a collection of funny short stories previously published in literary journals.

Summer 2012
Self-published several children’s books, including The Blue Whale in the Bathtub, illustrated by my sister.  check out her artwork

2007 – 2012
Self-published short stories in small literary journals.

2007 – 2009
Got a job as an assistant teacher at a middle school after restaurant job ends due to recession.

1999 – 2007
Piddled around restaurant industry in while striving to become great American novelist.  Moved from Tuscaloosa, AL to New Orleans to Atlanta area. 

Conceived first child.

2002 – 2004
Earned MFA in Creative Writing from Spalding University’s low residency program.

Got married.

1996 – 1999
Struggle by with various jobs including delivery driver and midnight convenience store clerk.

1996 – 2002
Continued to spread gospel.  Eventually discovered religion I founded existed for thousands of years prior to my founding it and that I am in no way affiliated with it.

Underwent profound religious experience while under the influence of powerful psychedelic.  Went on to found new religion. 

1992 – 1996
Earned BA in Political Science and History from University of Alabama.  2.3 gpa.

Graduated High School.  2.3 gpa.

1974 – 1992
Grew up to a certain extent.


Developed into a viable fetus.

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