Sunday, February 26, 2017

Donald Trump VS the Dinosaur Ghosts: A Story in 63 Tweets

Donald Trump VS. the #DinosaurGhosts

1 Pumping oil derricks awakened the dinosaurs from their eternal sleep. 2/27/17 8:02am

2 They rose from the depths of a prehistoric swamp not unlike the swamp the president drained another swamp by adding 300 tons of mud and shit to it. 2/27/17 9:02am

3 They were coldblooded phantoms who thrived in the rising temperatures. #DinosaurGhosts: yet another consequence of global warming. 2/27/17 10:02am

4 What brought them back from extinction? Some said they resented SUVs burning their remains. They wanted revenge! 2/27/17 11:02am

5 Others claimed it wasn't a meteor but gay marriage that killed the dinosaurs. They just buggered themselves out of existence. 2/27/17 12:02pm

6 It was true. Both tyrannosaurus and triceratops were gay. They loved each other like they hated fascism. And they were fabulous! 2/27/17 1:02pm

7 It took 300 tailors to fashion their designer suits. Barney's, of course. 2/27/17 2:02pm

8 They crawled before no man. They sashayed! Their reptilian eyes mocked the haters with mirth and indifference. 2/27/17 3:02pm

9 They used any damned bathroom they wanted to, and ate anyone who stood in their way. 2/27/17 4:02pm

10 They appeared at a creationist museum, taking the Noah's ark exhibit by surprise. 2/27/17 5:02pm

11 They crashed CPAC. Met a Milosaurus forlorn beyond the gates. "Attention whores," it shouted. "Take me with you!" They ignored the beast. 2/27/17 6:02pm

12 They ate Jeb Bush, Mitt Romney, and little Marco Rubio. No one noticed. 2/27/17 7:02pm

13 They floated above an NRA meeting hissing at hillbillies, who popped off their pistols and sustained mass casualties from friendly fire. 2/27/17 8:02pm

14 Finally, someone noticed the facts staring everyone in the face. The #DinosaurGhosts were only eating republicans. 2/27/17 9:02pm

15 The president learned about their existence on FOX NEWS. "It can't be true," he said. "Fake News! There's no such thing as dinosaurs!" 2/27/17 10:02pm

16 His advisors had fossils brought in from the Smithsonian. DT just looked at them. "Stupid rocks. I like rocks that weren't dinosaurs." 2/27/17 11:02pm

17 They flew in paleontologists to present their evidence. DT asked them to draw pictures and bring them to life with growling sounds. 2/28/17 12:02am

18 "I still don't buy it," said the president after the presentation. "Dinosaurs are a hoax created by the Chinese." 2/28/17 1:02am

19 No amount of evidence could sway him from the personal belief he'd adopted on a whim. 2/28/17 2:02am

20 They had a lot in common, the DGs and DT. The all wanted to be the alpha male. They all refused to eat their vegetables. 2/28/17 3:02am

21 The scent of prey drew the prehistoric apparitions from the miasma. A scent much stronger than fear: narcissism mixed with intolerance. 2/28/17 4:02am

22 They sniffed around the White House, ignoring gun blasts from the secret service. Nothing harmed them. They were already dead. 2/28/17 5:02am

23 Trump fled to Mara-Lago, where he could be surrounded by friends who paid $200,000 to share his company. True friends! 2/28/17 6:02am

24 Even golfing offered no escape. They found Chris Christie half-eaten in a sand trap where he had been caddying. 2/28/17 7:02am

25 The president sought sanctuary in the deep south, only to learn that sanctuary cities were now illegal by executive order. 2/28/17 8:02am

26 He took comfort in crowds of adoring fans at an election-style rally, blaming the DGs on HRC and other straw men. He vowed to lock them up! 2/28/17 9:02am

27 The DGs followed his trail, leaving discarded red hats and broken confederate flags in their wake. Now that's good eatin'! 2/28/17 10:02am

28 DT flew back to his solid gold penthouse in New York, where 500-grand a day in tax payer money protected him. 2/28/17 11:02am

29 The dinosaur ghosts were hot on his trail. They were hungry, and he reminded them of orange-flavored sour balls. 2/28/17 12:02pm

30 They cornered him in the penthouse, licking their chops and rolling their eyes at the gaudy decorations. 2/28/17 1:02pm

31 Jr. and Eric got out their hunting rifles, then fled to Africa to shoot elephants. They were anxious to enter the ivory trade. 2/28/17 2:02pm

32 The president offered Melania as a sacrifice. He was planning to trade her in for younger model anyway. 2/28/17 3:02pm

33 The dinosaur ghosts sniffed the first lady as they would a wax statue. Was she a wax statue? Hard to say. 2/28/17 4:02pm

34 Bannon rescued him by feeding the dinosaur ghosts an alt-supper consisting of Priebus and Conway seasoned with Spicer. #RivalsForInfluence 2/28/17 5:02pm

35 Steve was chubby and slowed down the escape. "You're fired!" Trump said now that he no longer needed him. 2/28/17 6:02pm

36 Alone again at the White House, wrapped in a gold bathrobe, he looked like an elderly baboon decorated with discarded orange peels. 2/28/17 7:02pm

37 "It was the greatest electoral college victory in history," he said to the empty room. "Everybody says so." A TV droned in the background. 2/28/17 8:02pm

38 The dinosaur ghosts came at him again, hungry as ever. Who knew dinosaurs could be so hungry? #NobodyKnew! 2/28/17 9:02pm

39 He tried to ban them with an executive order, but the DGs defied it. A bunch of so-called judges ruled it unconstitutional anyway. 2/28/17 10:02pm

40 He built a yuuge wall to protect himself. Mexicans went over, under, and around the wall. The DGs passed right through. 2/28/17 11:02pm

41 He bullied the dinosaur ghosts, called them names, shouted "Wrong!" when teeth snapped the air above his ruffled wig. 3/1/17 12:02am

42 He pulled his arms into his shirt and waved his tiny hands in a gesture mocking the tyrannosaur's tiny forearms. 3/1/17 1:02am

43 He was sure Putin would come and save him, but he'd never lifted sanctions like he'd promised. No one came. 3/1/17 2:02am

44 The tyrannosaurus threw back its head and roared. The triceratops charged. The president threw his hair at them. No place left to run. 3/1/17 3:02am

45 His staff was all gone, either eaten or defected to the dinosaurs. "Eating the president is an excellent decision," they counseled the DGs. 3/1/17 4:02am

46 DT cowered in fear, pooped himself, and quit the presidency. "That's all we ever wanted," said the dinosaur ghosts as they chewed his staff 3/1/17 5:02am

47 Crazy Donald went home to New York, but there was still a problem: the existence of Congress and President Pence. The dinosaurs raged. 3/1/17 6:02am

48 In all the chaos, Ryan and McConnell had privatized Medicare, eliminated consumer protections, and suppressed minority voting rights. 3/1/17 7:02am

49 The speaker and majority leader were safe in their districts, protected by gerrymandering. The dinosaur ghosts were powerless to stop them. 3/1/17 8:02am

50 The roar that followed shook Washington and the country. The people stumbled out of their bubbles, rubbing their eyes in the sunlight. 3/1/17 9:02am

51 "Look," cried McConnell and Ryan, "these liberal dinosaur ghosts have come to eat you, raise your taxes, and take away your guns!" 3/1/17 10:02am

52 "What's more," said republicans, "they use private servers. Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi!" 3/1/17 11:02am

53 The Disappearing Dinosaur Ghost Act passed in the senate. Among other things, it loosened environmental regulations. 3/1/17 12:02pm

54 The conservatives bombarded the crowd with lies, using tried and true tactics to turn the people against their own interests. 3/1/17 1:02pm

55 The dinosaur ghosts hovered in the air, shaking their heads in disgust. 3/1/17 2:02pm

56 But it was different this time. The people got wise. "Dinosaurs aren't against us," they said, pointing fingers at the corrupt congressmen. 3/1/17 3:02pm

57 "Hungry immigrants and dinosaur ghosts are taking your jobs," cried the pubs. "We need to go back to acid rain and segregation." #MAGA 3/1/17 4:02pm

58 But the people were awake now and politically active. "Why should we be afraid of them when you're the ones eating our lunch?" 3/1/17 5:02pm

59 "We'd rather live side by side with hard-working immigrants than do the bidding of billionaires living on private islands." 3/1/17 6:02pm

60 All across the country republicans went weak in the knees. The dinosaurs smiled their jagged smiles and then devoured the Congress. 3/1/17 7:02pm

61 And so it was the tree of liberty was refreshed with the blood of tyrants, a natural manure. New elections were held, districts redrawn. 3/1/17 8:02pm

62 And when it was done, the dinosaurs returned to their tar pits, holding hands. 3/1/17 9:02pm

63 Sometimes though, if you listen close, you can hear roars carried on the wind. Heed the warning: republicans are trying to screw you.  3/1/17 10:02pm

I hope you enjoyed Donald Trump VS. the Dinosaur Ghosts. The original #DinosaurGhost eBook is free at and 99cents at    3/1/17 11:02pm

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