Tuesday, March 1, 2016

There Are Sneetches in my Breeches: A Perverse Parody

In honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday, here is a poem that hopelly won't make him roll over in his grave. Christamar Varicella's book, There Are Sneetches in my Breeches and Other Parodies, will be published this summer.

Cover by Christiana Helgeson.

There are sneetches in my breeches.
I don’t know what to say.
I asked them all to leave my pants.
They stayed there anyway.

I tried to be a gentleman.
I tried to be polite.
I said, “It’s time to go, you know,
If that would be alright.”

“Now, please don’t have conniptions,
And please don’t have a cow,
But like Mr. Marvin Katherine Mooney,
You need to please go now.”

And just like Marvin Mooney
They ignored me most completely,
They showed ‘most no regard at all
For the words I spoke so sweetly.

Instead they danced and pranced about
They drove their old go-carts
All around the places known
As my private parts.

They stayed all day, the next night too
And soon there was no doubt
The sneetches always wanted in
And never wanted out.

And each morning they cooked breakfast
Of green eggs, ham, and toast
And late into the evenings
They held marshmallow roasts.

I did my best, I grabbed, I swiped
I tried real hard to catch ‘em
And douse the fires burning me
From my scroat down to my rectum.

Now normally I can handle things
I’m a fix-it kind of chappie.
But they keep messing with my mind
while they’re messing with my lappy.

I said, “Hey all you sneetches,
You snooty kind of smarties
This is not the kind of place
To hold frankfurter parties.

If there’s one thing that I’m knowing
You should stay out of the jeans
Of the man whose mother named him
Sylvester M McBean.”

But the sneetches they just sat there
with their oompahs and their flutes.
Others danced in my grickle grass
while wearing barbaloot suits.

So completely they ignored me,
They shut out all my words
And they invited in new sneetches
To join their growing herd.

Some sneetches had pain bellies
While others wore blue stars
They came from almost everywhere
From anear and from afar.

They swarmed all over every spot
From back ‘round to my belly
And some brought jars of peanut butter
And some brought jam and jelly.

That’s when I screamed, I yelled, I screeched
At those rotten sneetches,
“It’s time for you to leave my pants
And stay out of my breeches!"

It's sad I had to be so mean.
You know I had to ride ‘em.
“Go find a pair of pale green pants
With nobody inside ‘em.”

That’s when one of those fellows
Who was gnawing at some peaches
said, “Man that’s going to cost you, well,
‘bout twenty dollars eaches.”

My friends I am never happy
Giving my money away
Especially when it’s the sneetches
Who are the ones who ought to pay.

That’s when I said, I said it nice,
I never meant to be mean,
“My friends I think you need a trip
through my Sneetch-Out machine.”

And soon it was put together
It klonked and berked and jerked
But when it pointed at a sneetch
The damned thing didn’t work.

The only way it succeeded
Was in taking off their stars
but frankly I don’t give a crap
If they have them on thars.

I tried again and it broke down
The thing just wouldn’t start
When I kicked it in the motor
It completely fell apart.

And the herd it just kept growing,
They invited all their friends
From each familiar story
You’ve read time and time again.

They invited a grumpy Lorax,
The Grinch and a couple of Zax
And 23 Daves and a Yook and a Zook
and a turtle whose name was Mack.

They called a bird named Mayzie
and a goldfish named Gustav
They tried to call Horton the elephant
But I cut the cell phone off.

Then showed up old King Yertle
Saying, “oh marvelous me,
Is that a wocket in your pocket,
Or are you just glad to see me?”

And all those folks kept partying
driving into a frenzy
and you know that they’ve been doing that
a week now come this Wednesday.

Now I have a new feeling
That’s troubling to describe
I find I’m on a new wavelength
With a funky kind of vibe.

They tickle and they shock me
I feel a little gay.
And don’t you know it isn’t my heart
growing three sizes this day.

And now the time comes to admit
That all the fun and biking
The flips and flops and somersaults
Have grown into my liking.

Now I love to have each sneetch
Inside my holey britches
Even if every now and then
My injuries require some stitches.

And for all of you I’m speaking to
Who haven’t found your niches
I suggest opening up your pants
To a couple hundred sneetches.

I know it’s hard imagining
Doing something like that
But this isn’t like Things One and Two
In the book the Cat in the Hat.

It’s wild and fun and squirrely
Just like that Sam I Am
And I promise you it beats the hell
Out of green eggs and ham.

I tell you now, I tell everyone
the whole bloody nation
having a sneetches in your breeches
Is a wonderful sensation.

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