Saturday, March 8, 2014

Highway Sanitation Debate (A Sketch)

by Christamar Varicella

CAST: MODERATOR, LARRY, ENOS

INT. TOWN HALL.  MODERATOR SITS BETWEEN TWO CANDIDATES STANDING AT LECTERNS.  THE MODERATOR AND ONE OF THE CANDIDATES ARE DRESSED PROFESSIONALLY.  THE OTHER CANDIDATE IS SCRUFFY, HAS A LONG BEARD, AND IS DRESSED LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

MODERATOR

Welcome to tonight’s pre-election debate.  First to make his opening remarks is Larry Delefonte.  Larry is 28, a graduate of Cornell University.  Mr. Delefonte, you may proceed.


LARRY

Fellow citizens, tonight I ask you to cast your vote for me this election day, and I promise to be the best guy who picks dead animals off the road that this county has ever seen.  Our community shouldn’t have to suffer the burden of dead animal stink.  If I’m elected, it won’t have to.


AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

MODERATOR

Next to give his opening remarks is our current Highway Sanitation Representative, Enos Stokes.

ENOS

(THINK BILLY BOB THORNTON IN SLING BLADE) I ain’t much for speechifyin’.  I jus’ clean dem dead animals off de road.

HE SITS DOWN.

MODERATOR

Okay.  Question for Mr. Delefonte.  What new initiatives will you enact if elected?


LARRY

Here’s something I’ve often wondered about.  Are all of those dead animals on the side of the road there because they were hit by cars, or did they just crawl up to the road to die?  If elected, I will spearhead a commission to find the answer to that question, and also, what is it about the road that they find so attractive? I’d like to find out so we can eliminate it.

ENOS

Dem animals wud runned over.

LARRY

I wouldn’t be so sure, Mr. Stokes.  Maybe those animals--the dogs, armadillos, possums, and things--were just sick and they crawled to the road to hitch a ride to the animal hospital.  Only they ran into a problem when they got there--they don’t have opposable thumbs!  They hold up their little paws, but without thumbs, the people driving by have no idea what they want.  They’re like, “Hey what’s that possum doing by the side of the road?” And their spouse might reply, “I don’t know.  I think maybe it’s asking for money.”  And the husband would respond, “Well I’m not giving my hard-earned money to some lazy possum.”  And so they drive on.  That’s probably why so many of those animals die.




ENOS

Dis ain’t science.  Dis shovelin’ animal carcass.  First you take de shovel, den you take de carcass and throw it on yo truck.  Den, when you get home, if’n it’s ripe, you eat de carcass.


MODERATOR

You eat de carcass?  I mean, are you saying you eat the animals you scrape off the road?

ENOS

Well’n I don’t eat skunk or porky-pine, but I been known to enjoy a nice Border Collie if’n it ain’t set too long.


MODERATOR

My God, you eat dog?

ENOS

If’n it ain’t set too long.


MODERATOR

Wow.  How does it taste?


ENOS

Better’n skunk or porky-pine.


MODERATOR

Mr. Delefonte?

LARRY

You’re living in the past, Mr. Stokes.  The era of shoveling and eating road kill is over, the era of instilling road kill avoidance measures is upon us.  But before I get into more of these ideas, I would like to point out that if Mr. Stokes was really on the job, perhaps I wouldn’t have seen a dead squirrel on the highway not a half-mile from here on route 11.  (HE RAISES HIS ARMS TRIUMPHANTLY) Boom! 

ENOS QUIETLY SLIPS AWAY.

LARRY

(CONTINUING) When I’m elected I will cut the average time a dead animal spends on the road from 24 hours to less than eight. 

MODERATOR

MR. STOKES?

MR. STOKES’S LECTERN IS EMPTY.

MODERATOR

What happened to Mr. Stokes?

LARRY

I think it’s obvious that the man isn’t up to the job.  Now, as I was saying.  People like Mr. Stokes can go around saying we need more animal crossing signs, but are we really sure those animals know how to read those signs?  I don’t think they can.  Even with pictures.  I don’t think it makes a difference.  If I was a deer, I think I might take one look at one of those signs and say, “What?  I can’t read that.  I think I’ll cross wherever I want.”  That’s why, when I’m elected, I’ll make sign-reading classes available for every animal that can come up with the $25 application fee.

ENOS WANDERS BACK ON STAGE HOLDING A VERY FLAT SQUIRREL CARCASS.

MODERATOR

Mr. Stokes, do you have a rebuttal?

ENOS

I jus’ clean dem dead animals off de road.

MODERATOR

And if you lose the election?

ENOS

Election.  No election.  I’m still gonna eat dem dead animals.

HE TAKES BITE OF SQUIRREL.

MODERATOR

While that may be the most disgusting thing, I’ve ever seen, clearly you were born for this job.

LARRY

What?  No!  Is this really what you want?

LARRY RUSHES OVER, SNATCHES THE SQUIRREL OUT OF ENOS’S HAND AND RELUCTANTLY TAKES A BITE.  HE TRIES TO SMILE AS IF HE’S ENJOYING IT, BUT CAN’T TAKE IT.  HE RUSHES OFF STAGE.  ENOS DOESN’T SEEM BOTHERED BY THIS.  HE TAKES ANOTHER SQUIRREL OUT OF HIS POCKET AND OFFERS IT MODERATOR WHO POLITELY TURNS IT DOWN.

MODERATOR

Ladies and gentlemen, your Highway Sanitation Representative, Enos Stokes.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.  ENOS CONTINUES EATING SQUIRREL.

SCENE



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