by Christamar Varicella
CAST: MODERATOR, LARRY, ENOS
INT. TOWN HALL.
MODERATOR SITS BETWEEN TWO CANDIDATES STANDING AT LECTERNS. THE MODERATOR AND ONE OF THE CANDIDATES ARE
DRESSED PROFESSIONALLY. THE OTHER
CANDIDATE IS SCRUFFY, HAS A LONG BEARD, AND IS DRESSED LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.
MODERATOR
Welcome to tonight’s pre-election debate. First to make his opening remarks is Larry
Delefonte. Larry is 28, a graduate of
Cornell University. Mr. Delefonte, you
may proceed.
LARRY
Fellow citizens, tonight I ask you to cast your vote
for me this election day, and I promise to be the best guy who picks dead
animals off the road that this county has ever seen. Our community shouldn’t have to suffer the
burden of dead animal stink. If I’m elected,
it won’t have to.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
MODERATOR
Next to give his opening remarks is our current
Highway Sanitation Representative, Enos Stokes.
ENOS
(THINK BILLY BOB THORNTON IN SLING BLADE) I ain’t much
for speechifyin’. I jus’ clean dem dead animals
off de road.
HE SITS DOWN.
MODERATOR
Okay. Question
for Mr. Delefonte. What new initiatives
will you enact if elected?
LARRY
Here’s something I’ve often wondered about. Are all of those dead animals on the side of
the road there because they were hit by cars, or did they just crawl up to the
road to die? If elected, I will
spearhead a commission to find the answer to that question, and also, what is
it about the road that they find so attractive? I’d like to find out so we can
eliminate it.
ENOS
Dem animals wud runned over.
LARRY
I wouldn’t be so sure, Mr. Stokes. Maybe those animals--the dogs, armadillos,
possums, and things--were just sick and they crawled to the road to hitch a
ride to the animal hospital. Only they
ran into a problem when they got there--they don’t have opposable thumbs! They hold up their little paws, but without
thumbs, the people driving by have no idea what they want. They’re like, “Hey what’s that possum doing
by the side of the road?” And their spouse might reply, “I don’t know. I think maybe it’s asking for money.” And the husband would respond, “Well I’m not
giving my hard-earned money to some lazy possum.” And so they drive on. That’s probably why so many of those animals
die.
ENOS
Dis ain’t science.
Dis shovelin’ animal carcass.
First you take de shovel, den you take de carcass and throw it on yo truck. Den, when you get home, if’n it’s ripe, you
eat de carcass.
MODERATOR
You eat de carcass?
I mean, are you saying you eat the animals you scrape off the road?
ENOS
Well’n I don’t eat skunk or porky-pine, but I been
known to enjoy a nice Border Collie if’n it ain’t set too long.
MODERATOR
My God, you eat dog?
ENOS
If’n it ain’t set too long.
MODERATOR
Wow. How does
it taste?
ENOS
Better’n skunk or porky-pine.
MODERATOR
Mr. Delefonte?
LARRY
You’re living in the past, Mr. Stokes. The era of shoveling and eating road kill is
over, the era of instilling road kill avoidance measures is upon us. But before I get into more of these ideas, I
would like to point out that if Mr. Stokes was really on the job, perhaps I
wouldn’t have seen a dead squirrel on the highway not a half-mile from here on
route 11. (HE RAISES HIS ARMS TRIUMPHANTLY)
Boom!
ENOS QUIETLY SLIPS AWAY.
LARRY
(CONTINUING) When I’m elected I will cut the average
time a dead animal spends on the road from 24 hours to less than eight.
MODERATOR
MR. STOKES?
MR. STOKES’S LECTERN IS EMPTY.
MODERATOR
What happened to Mr. Stokes?
LARRY
I think it’s obvious that the man isn’t up to the
job. Now, as I was saying. People like Mr. Stokes can go around saying
we need more animal crossing signs, but are we really sure those animals know
how to read those signs? I don’t think
they can. Even with pictures. I don’t think it makes a difference. If I was a deer, I think I might take one
look at one of those signs and say, “What? I can’t read that. I think I’ll cross wherever I want.” That’s why, when I’m elected, I’ll make
sign-reading classes available for every animal that can come up with the $25
application fee.
ENOS WANDERS BACK ON STAGE HOLDING A VERY FLAT
SQUIRREL CARCASS.
MODERATOR
Mr. Stokes, do you have a rebuttal?
ENOS
I jus’ clean dem dead animals off de road.
MODERATOR
And if you lose the election?
ENOS
Election. No
election. I’m still gonna eat dem dead
animals.
HE TAKES BITE OF SQUIRREL.
MODERATOR
While that may be the most disgusting thing, I’ve ever
seen, clearly you were born for this job.
LARRY
What? No! Is this really what you want?
LARRY RUSHES OVER, SNATCHES THE SQUIRREL OUT OF ENOS’S
HAND AND RELUCTANTLY TAKES A BITE. HE
TRIES TO SMILE AS IF HE’S ENJOYING IT, BUT CAN’T TAKE IT. HE RUSHES OFF STAGE. ENOS DOESN’T SEEM BOTHERED BY THIS. HE TAKES ANOTHER SQUIRREL OUT OF HIS POCKET
AND OFFERS IT MODERATOR WHO POLITELY TURNS IT DOWN.
MODERATOR
Ladies and gentlemen, your Highway Sanitation
Representative, Enos Stokes.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.
ENOS CONTINUES EATING SQUIRREL.
SCENE
