Sunday, March 23, 2014

Alternate History

You know what I noticed about the Salem Witch Trials?  A little common sense could have prevented those things from going too far, I think.  Like when the accused were on the stand making confused hand gestures and saying things like,  “What?  Me?  A witch? No way,” and then the accusers started screaming and moving in whatever direction the accused person was gesturing and acting like their bodies were being controlled like a puppet on a string, how come the judge didn’t just make the accusers turn around or something, so they couldn’t see the accused?  They wouldn’t have known when to scream or in what direction to contort!  It would have totally thrown them off!

And how come no one said, “You know if I was really a witch I would just zap your ass and walk out of here?” 

I guess everyone back then was stupid.

I could have totally cleared up that whole witch scare in about ten seconds.  You know what else I could have prevented?  World War II. 

It would’ve been simple: just kill Hitler.

Have you ever heard anyone say that?  “Why didn’t they just kill Hitler?  I totally would’ve killed that guy.”

And the response of course is, “You know there are a bunch of mini Hitler-types running around the world right now.  Why don’t you go kill them?  Putin is turning out to be a pretty big jerk.  He’s no Hitler, but why not go ahead and kill him just to be safe?  Why don’t you fly over to Russia, find that former KGB agent who now controls one of the world’s largest standing armies, and kill him?  That might really help out a lot of people?”

And the guy would probably say something like, “Well, I have to go to work tomorrow.  I can’t miss any more days.”

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