“Femme Fetal” BY
CHRISTAMAR VARICELLA
CAST: VOICE
OVER, PREGNANT LADY, OLD WOMAN, OLD MAN, CHARLEY
A VERY PREGNANT WOMAN IS SHOPPING ALONE IN A GROCERY
STORE.
V.O.
Mrs. Bartholomew Globinslobber was making a routine
trip to the store.
PREGNANT LADY
Let’s see. Raisin
Flakes, Bran Bites, Sugar-covered fiber nuggets...
V.O.
When suddenly she was approached by a deranged
hooligan.
ENTER OLD WOMAN.
My my my... what do we have here?
PREGNANT LADY
Oh. Um. Hello there.
OLD WOMAN
Well I can tell
you right now it’s going to be a boy by the way it’s hanging like that. Let me touch your belly.
SHE TOUCHES HER BELLY
PREGNANT LADY
Oh no, I don’t
like this.
OLD WOMAN CONTINUES TO FEEL HER BELLY.
OLD WOMAN
Yes, it’s definitely a boy.
PREGNANT LADY
Please, Lady. This
is an invasion of my personal space.
OLD WOMAN
HENRY! HENRY! Come over here. You gotta see this.
ENTER HENRY.
HENRY
What? What is
it? What’s happening? Why all the screaming?
Old Woman
Come over here, HENRY.
Feel this woman’s belly.
PREGNANT LADY
(growing louder, more shrill, and shaking
visibly): I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.
HENRY
(Groping Mrs. Globbinslobber) What’s this?
It’s kind of lumpy.
OLD WOMAN
That’s her booby.
PREGNANT LADY
(Shaking violently)
I can’t take it anymore!
V.O.
But what the two greasy thugs molesting Mrs.
Globbinslobber didn’t know was that this was no ordinary pregnant lady. This was none other than one half of the
dynamic duo, Femme Fetal!
OLD WOMAN
Henry, Henry, put your head on her belly. See of you can hear his heartbeat.
PREGNANT LADY
I can’t take it anymore!
WITH HER BACK TO THE AUDIENCE, PREGNANT LADY BACKS
INTO HER SHOPPING CART, LEANING BACK AND LIFTING BOTH LEGS INTO THE AIR. TWO PROPS THAT HAVE BEEN HIDDEN IN THE CART
MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE. FIRST A TOY FETUS
ATTACHED TO THE END OF THE BROOMSTICK, MANIPULATED BY PREGNANT LADY IS THRUST
OUT AND POPS THE OLD LADY IN THE FACE, SENDING HER FLYING BACKWARDS ACROSS THE
ROOM. POW!
CHARLEY
Leave my mama
alone!
STILL TRYING TO PUT HIS FACE AGAINST THE WOMAN’S
STOMACH, HENRY IS THE NEXT VICTIM, A SECOND PROP, TOY FETUS ATTACHED TO BUNGEE
CHORD BOUNCES AGAINST HENRY’S FACE LIKE A BOXER’S SPEED BAG.
CHARLEY
Respect people’s
boundaries.
A FINAL BLOW SENDS HENRY FLYING OFF STAGE. CHARLEY DISAPPEARS BENEATH PREGNANT LADY’S
DRESS.
MRS. GLOBBINSLOBBER SLOWLY RECOVERS, CLIMBS OUT OF
SHOPPING CART.
PREGNANT LADY
My goodness.
PREGNANT LADY RESUMES SHOPPING.
V.O.
With the
hooligans vanquished and peace and order restored once more, Mrs. Bartholomew
Globbinslobber continues her day as usual.
PREGNANT LADY
Let’s see. Toasted
oat flakes, frosted sugar smackums, shredded wheat bars...
FETUS POPS OUT AND LOOKS AT HER SERIOUSLY
CHARLEY
I vote for cocoa puffs.
PREGNANT LADY
Be quiet, Charley.
V.O.
Visit us next time for more of the Amazing Adventures
of Femme Fetal.
Scene
