“Femme Fetal” BY CHRISTAMAR VARICELLA
CAST: VOICE OVER, PREGNANT LADY, OLD WOMAN, OLD MAN, CHARLEY
A VERY PREGNANT WOMAN IS SHOPPING ALONE IN A GROCERY STORE.
Mrs. Bartholomew Globinslobber was making a routine trip to the store.
Let’s see. Raisin Flakes, Bran Bites, Sugar-covered fiber nuggets...
When suddenly she was approached by a deranged hooligan.
ENTER OLD WOMAN.
My my my... what do we have here?
Oh. Um. Hello there.
Well I can tell you right now it’s going to be a boy by the way it’s hanging like that. Let me touch your belly.
SHE TOUCHES HER BELLY
Oh no, I don’t like this.
OLD WOMAN CONTINUES TO FEEL HER BELLY.
Yes, it’s definitely a boy.
Please, Lady. This is an invasion of my personal space.
HENRY! HENRY! Come over here. You gotta see this.
What? What is it? What’s happening? Why all the screaming?
Come over here, HENRY. Feel this woman’s belly.
(growing louder, more shrill, and shaking visibly): I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.
(Groping Mrs. Globbinslobber) What’s this? It’s kind of lumpy.
That’s her booby.
(Shaking violently) I can’t take it anymore!
But what the two greasy thugs molesting Mrs. Globbinslobber didn’t know was that this was no ordinary pregnant lady. This was none other than one half of the dynamic duo, Femme Fetal!
Henry, Henry, put your head on her belly. See of you can hear his heartbeat.
I can’t take it anymore!
WITH HER BACK TO THE AUDIENCE, PREGNANT LADY BACKS INTO HER SHOPPING CART, LEANING BACK AND LIFTING BOTH LEGS INTO THE AIR. TWO PROPS THAT HAVE BEEN HIDDEN IN THE CART MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE. FIRST A TOY FETUS ATTACHED TO THE END OF THE BROOMSTICK, MANIPULATED BY PREGNANT LADY IS THRUST OUT AND POPS THE OLD LADY IN THE FACE, SENDING HER FLYING BACKWARDS ACROSS THE ROOM. POW!
Leave my mama alone!
STILL TRYING TO PUT HIS FACE AGAINST THE WOMAN’S STOMACH, HENRY IS THE NEXT VICTIM, A SECOND PROP, TOY FETUS ATTACHED TO BUNGEE CHORD BOUNCES AGAINST HENRY’S FACE LIKE A BOXER’S SPEED BAG.
Respect people’s boundaries.
A FINAL BLOW SENDS HENRY FLYING OFF STAGE. CHARLEY DISAPPEARS BENEATH PREGNANT LADY’S DRESS.
MRS. GLOBBINSLOBBER SLOWLY RECOVERS, CLIMBS OUT OF SHOPPING CART.
PREGNANT LADY RESUMES SHOPPING.
With the hooligans vanquished and peace and order restored once more, Mrs. Bartholomew Globbinslobber continues her day as usual.
Let’s see. Toasted oat flakes, frosted sugar smackums, shredded wheat bars...
FETUS POPS OUT AND LOOKS AT HER SERIOUSLY
I vote for cocoa puffs.
Be quiet, Charley.
Visit us next time for more of the Amazing Adventures of Femme Fetal.