Friday, June 22, 2012

The Oiliest Secret Chapter One: Prelude to the Oiliness

Jenna was torn by the love of two men--Billy Baldwin Junior Junior and the man she referred to simply as The Postmaster.   

Billy Junior Junior, or Bi-Ju-Ju, as Jenna called him, was 325 lbs of pure man meat, and Jenna wanted to eat him up. On a cold night, Jenna loved nothing more than burying herself in the folds of Billy’s belly fat; it was warm and cozy in there, like burrowing into a blanket made of flab. Also, as a grandson of the famous film actor, Bi-Ju-Ju had that trademark Baldwin stare, the kind that would trail behind you for days, pop out from behind dumpsters and hedges, and was sometimes obscured by a pair of binoculars.

Then there was her boss, Postmaster General C. Everett Koop II.  Jenna hated the way he sometimes shouted at her, “Take off your clothes,” or “Deliver this package!” but then again, he was forceful and oh so manly. A girl could get lost in a beard like his, or at least tangled, since it hung down about two feet from his chin.

In fact, that very morning, her pony-tail holder had become ensnared in his shag, and for several hours the two lovers found themselves locked in a kind of agonizing dance near some infrequently used PO boxes where they had gone to make out. A small crowd gathered to watch the fiasco of her trying to untangle her self while The Postmaster shouted, “For the love of God, Woman, you’re ripping out my whiskers!” Eventually, someone brought forth a pair of scissors, but The Postmaster wouldn’t hear of trimming that beloved beard of his. He insisted instead on slicing off Jenna’s pony tail. For that she loved and hated him all at once.

“You butthole!” A voice boomed from the back of the room.  The crowd parted. When Jenna and the postmaster looked up, there was Bi-Ju-Ju.

“Bi-Ju-Ju,” Jenna gasped. “You smell delicious.”

“What’s he doing here?” The Postmaster asked.

“I-I- don’t know.”

“I’ve been following you, Jenna,” Billy clarified. “I can’t stand to see you with this monster. He doesn’t know how to treat a lady.” Bi-Ju-Ju eyed the postmaster coldly.

“What about you, Bi-Ju-Ju?” Jenna asked. “All you ever want to talk about is your semi-professional wrestling career, how much the Association of Foxy Women Wrestlers needs you to clean out their lockers and towel them off after matches. You were never interested in my new diet ideas or the goings-on of my mail route.”

“Not anymore, Jenna. I quit the league.”

Jenna gasped once more. “But you loved being a towel boy.”

“I don’t care about that now. I want you to run away with me. I talked with my Great Uncle Alec.  He's going to let us crash in his guest house. It’s only for a night or two, but once we’re settled in, it will be awkward for him to ask us to leave. We can start a new life together.”

“Oh, Bi-Ju-Ju.” Jenna felt herself being carried toward her lover, but it turned out some guy was just moving her out of his way so he could get to his mail box. Nevertheless, the movement propelled her closer to Billy’s outstretched arms.

“Stop right there, Strumpet,” the Postmaster roared. “Take one more step and you’ll be fired from the PO.”

Jenna turned to face her bedraggled tormentor. “I don't need your PO anymore Postmaster, not when I have Billy's BO."  She sniffed the air.  "By the way, Billy.  You need to take a bath."

"I thought you liked the way I smell?"

"I do.  I do.  But it's better when you're on the other side of the room."

"We're trying to have a conversation here," snapped the Postmaster.  "If you walk out of here with this idiot, don't come back.  You're fired."

"No, Postmaster. You’re fired. You’re fired from my life.”

Jenna jumped into Bi-Ju-Ju’s arms. It seemed then that everyone in the post office was clapping and cheering, although actually they were just milling about.

“Drat,” said the Postmaster.  He raised his fist and shook it. “You haven’t heard the last of me.”

Bi-Ju-Ju strained somewhat under Jenna’s weight, but he had just enough breath to spit out some of that famous Baldwin charm. “And you haven’t heard the last of us either. When we get to Malibu, we’ll drop you a postcard.” 

The joy Jenna felt at that moment could not be removed, not even when Billy bonked her head on the glass door as they exited the post office, or when he dropped her on the sidewalk as he tried to fish his car keys out of his jacket pocket. She was too excited about the start of their new life together to worry about her injuries.

If only she’d known about the hardships to come, she might not have gotten so excited. She didn’t know that there were secrets yet to be uncovered and one of them would be… the oiliest.

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