Dear Marc,
Congrats! No, not for your success; that only makes you
marginally special. You deserve congratulations
because, according to my calculations, you’re the new Oprah Winfrey. You did it, Man!
As you may
recall, Oprah emerged from humble beginnings.
She worked as a weather person before moving to California, starting her
own talk show, attracting a huge following, incorporating and expanding into
additional properties, and accumulating a massive amount of power. With a single word, she could elevate a book
to bestseller status or bequeath a new car to every member of a studio
audience.
Oprah
retired some time ago. The last I heard,
she had ascended to heaven on the back of an angel. Don’t worry, she isn’t dead. She winters there, and the angel was
purchased from a private collection.
For a while,
the void of the O vacuum was filled by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, but they
could only do so much, and now they've moved on to do other things. It's up to
you.
So far, I
have been pretty impressed. You landed President
Obama and Ian McKellen in the same week.
Those guys are definitely O-level guests. And now, every time I turn on the TV, you’re
there, yammering on about something just like O used to do.
There’s only
one thing left to do now. We need to test
your power. I think we should select a
little-known author, have you plug his book, and see if the book becomes a
bestseller. I know of the perfect
candidate. His name is Christamar
Varicella (no relation), and he wrote a book called Dinosaur
Ghost.
Dinosaur Ghost is kind of a cross between a sci-fi parody and
a satire of republican politics. The story
goes like this: Dinosaurs come back from extinction and start eating
republicans. But why? Is it because of the republican stance on
fossil fuels (fuel made from fossils!) or does it have to do with what really
killed the dinosaurs? (Gay marriage!)
Your friend,
Christamar
Varicella
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