Monday, August 17, 2015

An Open Letter to Marc Maron

Dear Marc,

Congrats!  No, not for your success; that only makes you marginally special.  You deserve congratulations because, according to my calculations, you’re the new Oprah Winfrey.  You did it, Man!

As you may recall, Oprah emerged from humble beginnings.  She worked as a weather person before moving to California, starting her own talk show, attracting a huge following, incorporating and expanding into additional properties, and accumulating a massive amount of power.  With a single word, she could elevate a book to bestseller status or bequeath a new car to every member of a studio audience. 

Oprah retired some time ago.  The last I heard, she had ascended to heaven on the back of an angel.  Don’t worry, she isn’t dead.  She winters there, and the angel was purchased from a private collection.

For a while, the void of the O vacuum was filled by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, but they could only do so much, and now they've moved on to do other things.  It's up to you.

So far, I have been pretty impressed.  You landed President Obama and Ian McKellen in the same week.  Those guys are definitely O-level guests.  And now, every time I turn on the TV, you’re there, yammering on about something just like O used to do.

There’s only one thing left to do now.  We need to test your power.  I think we should select a little-known author, have you plug his book, and see if the book becomes a bestseller.  I know of the perfect candidate.  His name is Christamar Varicella (no relation), and he wrote a book called Dinosaur Ghost.   

Dinosaur Ghost is kind of a cross between a sci-fi parody and a satire of republican politics. The story goes like this: Dinosaurs come back from extinction and start eating republicans.  But why?  Is it because of the republican stance on fossil fuels (fuel made from fossils!) or does it have to do with what really killed the dinosaurs? (Gay marriage!)
All you have to do is to go on your show, say you read the book, you loved it, and you are making it your first and final selection in your book club.  Let’s see what happens, shall we?

Your friend,

Christamar Varicella

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